The Regal Seagull Blog: October 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Freddy Krueger

"No thank you, I already have a subscription to the New York Times."

-Freddy Krueger, serial killer

Happy Halloween from The Regal Seagull

Good morning Utah! You may have noticed that our main news site, www.regalseagull.com, has not been updated this morning with news-like news stories. This is intentional.

As you may and/or may not know, today is Halloween. Of what significance is this? Simple. News does not ever happen on Halloween. Ever. This is how we became Utah's #1 News Source^TM - by knowing that news never occurs on Halloween.

BUT DON'T WORRY! Seriously, we're not crapping around - don't worry. You can still visit The Regal Seagull Blog on Halloween! You can still read past archives for The Regal Seagull on Halloween! You can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween! Just kidding, you're 37 years old and that's creepy!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween, Utah! You deserve it. And remember: don't take candy from strangers, unless the candy looks really really delicious.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Thomas S. Monson

"You've been pwned!"

-President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Thomas S. Monson

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

In Howell, Utah stop signs have 9 sides. This is believed to be the inspiration for a local catch phrase where residents refer to good news as "ninethastic."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Paul Rolly

"Seriously, who let the dog in the house?"

-Salt Lake Tribune columnist Paul Rolly

The 3rd Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm! We're almost to Halloween! And like an idiot, you're standing there not having a costume. Don't worry, for The Regal Seagull has cheerfully and obligingly provided you with the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Today's costume is sure to be popular with anyone who enjoys dressing up as a bunch of people. Oh, and anyone who likes singing while being dressed up as a bunch of people.

THE 3RD MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That's right. The entire Mormon Tabernacle Freakin' Choir.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever fancy tuxedo/dress hybrids are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
If singing songs that cause others to take a nap is considered awesome, then yes. This costume is awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, strangely enough. But you'll have to provide your own Viagra.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can brag that you're an Grammy award winning choir! You know, the Grammy you won in 1960.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You're dressing up as a 360-person choir, so naturally people will assume you're very fat.

Stuff You Guys Better Stop Saying

"It's Beer-O-Clock" - Try saying that at some biker bar and see what those dudes do to you. (HINT Your medical insurance does not cover foreign objects in your ass)

"My Bad" - Ever hear the most annoying sound in the world? It will be your whining after I slap you. Nuff said.

"Nuff Said" - Did I just say that? Holy christ what was I thinking? I was thinking that I am starring in my own Kid N' Play movie.

"Chillax" - I don't let my teenage daughter say it because she sounds like a moron every time that phrase is uttered. You are 40! Stop it!

"Anal" - As in describing a person as having an anal personality. Yuck

"Fo Sho" - You are a white, overweight, middle-aged executive. You have never seen the hood, and the only black person you know is the intern from Kenya in your office.

Damn It's Hot In My Office

I am not talking about hot, like describing good looking people, or a cool vibe or anything like that. I mean the heat is up too high. We get one cold snap, and the damned owners of this shitty building kill the air conditioning and crank up the heat.

This building is like 200 years old. That air conditioning only works good in the winter, so leave it on you knuckleheads.

Did I mention it is freaking hot in here.

Fin

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It’s Wednesday again, which means it’s time for another MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY! We know what you’re thinking… we didn’t think we would live to experience another Wednesday either.

For those who missed our first MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY:

1.) What the hell is wrong with you, moron?

2.) Here’s a friendly reminder of how this works!

Look at the following picture. The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where it is?

Be the first person to email us at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer, and you’ll win a life supply of phone books! Hey, those things don’t come cheap.

HINT: "All good things come to those who wait. What bullshit, right?"

Have fun! Guess the Mystery Utah Picture! Floss twice a day!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Quote Out of Context: An Anonymous Proposition 8 Supporter

"Could I get a turkey and avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread, hold the mayo?"

-An anonymous Proposition 8 supporter

The 4th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mommy Blogger

T-minus 3 days! Halloween is this Friday! If you weren't worried yesterday about not having a costume, you should absolutely be worried today! Fortunately, you have The Regal Seagull. During the past few days we've provided you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Today's costume is sure to be a hit with the ladies. And no, we don't mean "hit with the ladies" in a spouse abuse sort of way.

THE 4TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Mommy Blogger

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever unattractive, frumpy clothes are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
To the 12 readers who read your blog? Yes.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, by your husband. Resulting in even more babies.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You get to remain blissfully oblivious of the fact that nobody wants to see 4,000 pictures of your baby.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You'll have to start your own boring blog - it doesn't come with the costume.

Internet "Trolls" Want Freedom of Speech Banned

In a stunning move today, an organization of Internet Trolls staged a protest in the parking lot of a downtown McDonalds. They are protesting the 1st amendment of the constitution, pushing for legislation to ban freedom of speech.

An Internet Troll is someone who peruses online bulletin boards, newsgroups, blogs, etc. and writes prose that incites others, and causes people to retaliate in speech. A "Troll" is most happy when they have garnered a multitude of responses to their outlandish claims.

The major demographic for an Internet Troll is typically a 25-35 year old overweight male who lives with his parents, typically in their basement. The trolls are usually virgins, and spend an equal amount of time on the internet downloading pornographic material as they spend writing their rants and insults.

Soon after the protest, many members of the Unified Trolls of America converged inside the McDonalds for their third lunch of the day.

The Regal Seagull Weekly Poll: Utah's Race for Governor

Dearest Regal Seagull readers and readerettes,

Have you wondered any of the following?

Did Jon Huntsman know this is an election year - and does it even matter?

Which does Bob Springmeyer have more of: pluck or gumption?

Have you wondered if Dell "Super" Schanze is so crazy that he in fact might just be a genius (minus the genius part)?

We can't help you answer any of these questions. But you can vote in our new poll!

Be sure to vote before our poll closes on November 5th. Remember: every vote counts. Unlike the real election, we don't discriminate against voters who happen to be dead or cartoon characters.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Monday, October 27, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Todd Palin

"You're totally right. If you wear it just like that, it hides your c-section scar."

-Todd Palin

The 5th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: The Holy Ghost

Halloween is at the end of this week! Only a few days left before it's crunch time. AND YOU DON'T HAVE A HALLOWEEN COSTUME YET!! Do not fear, as the rest of this week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM.

THE 5TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Holy Ghost

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At church. Or the stillness of the night, in prayer. Wal-Mart also has a few Holy Ghost costumes left in their bargain bin.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
It depends. Are you part of the holy trinity, or aren't you?

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Absolutely not. Don't be inappropriate.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can float through walls.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You have to go to bed at midnight. Everyone knows the Holy Ghost goes to bed by midnight.

The Regal Seagull appreciates a nice set of knockers....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The 6th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: SUPERDELL

Do you have your Halloween costume yet? Of course you don't. You've busy with other things, like drinking milk straight out of the carton. We here at The Regal Seagull wish you would stop that. Not everybody wants your lips on the milk carton.

As for the costume, we are here to help! For the rest of the week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Yesterday we provided you with the 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs. And here is today's costume idea:

THE 6TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Libertarian candidate for governor, SUPERDELL

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At any gun shop, hang gliding shop, or the state mental health department.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Totally. Totally awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is attracted to media-hating, bat-shit crazy, former computer company owners who happen to be running for governor. Just stick to women with the intelligence of a golf club and you'll be fine.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
All the guns you can carry. Plus, you get to spell your name in all CAPS.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
People at your Halloween party would rather talk to a eucalyptus tree than someone dressed up as SUPERDELL.

Overpopulation? What Overpopulation?

Now we're not necessarily pointing our finger at Utah (the fact that we're pointing our finger in the direction of the Intermountain West is purely coincidental), but when silhouettes of individual family members fill up the entire length of your car, you should take that as a sign that you should stop having children.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Henry Kissinger

"Oh c'mon, I cannot possibly be the only one here who likes Banarama."

-Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger

The 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs

With only a few days remaining until Halloween, many are scrambling around looking for a last-minute Halloween costume. And the questions, oh the questions!

"Will this kitty costume show my cleavage?"

"I'm going as the ghost of Tim Russert - too soon?"

"Where can I find a wig for my pregnant Bristol Palin costume?"

"Does dressing in drag mean I'm gay?" (usually)

Fear not, for this is why you read The Regal Seagull: Utah's #1 News Source! For the next 7 days, we will provide you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM, as well as information on where to buy the costume, how popular it is, and the odds of getting laid while wearing the costume.

THE 7TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Warren Jeffs, the former FLDS prophet

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At a nearby Deseret Industries, Salvation Army, or local polygamist shoppe.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Kind of.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is very, very homely. And doesn't mind sharing, if you catch our drift.

Friday, October 24, 2008

This license plate totally blew my mind

But not because of the religious aspect. I was merely surprised that the verse was from the Bible, when everyone in Utah knows the real bible is the B.O.M. I would of expected Nephi 12:4.

Quote Out of Context: Michael Jackson

"Do these pants make my ass look black?"

-Michael Jackson

Don't Ride TRAX If It's On Fire

A Regal Seagull staff member was riding TRAX the other day, and got off at the 1300 South station. He noticed a mural painted to the immediate right of the station, and couldn't help but notice that part of the mural depicted a TRAX train.

Flying off the tracks.

Flying off the tracks and on fire.

Let's be honest with ourselves. There are some warnings that don't necessarily need to be followed.

"The Surgeon General says not smoke, puff puff puff."
"Medical advice warns against drinking while pregnant, glug glug glug."
"Don't drive while talking on a cell phone? Doesn't apply to me!"
"Of course we can operate heavy machinery after taking this sleep medication!"
"Oops, dropped my wedding ring down the garbage disposal - here, let me get that."

Don't do this, don't do that. Warning warning warning.

But the day we see a mural depicting a train on fire while simultaneously flying off the track, to the immediate right of the very train we just descended?

That is a warning we will heed.

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull Offices Will Be Closed Today

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull offices will be closed today, due to the following...

Why are we closing our offices today over something as trivial as a movie?

Well, we noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune had created an entire section for the release of this groundbreaking movie, as well as writing five stories about the movie with the span of...um... one day.

So in order to prove we're more dedicated than the Tribune, we will be closing our offices so that we may watch back-to-back showings of the greatest cinematic experience to ever grace an American theater.

TAKE THAT, SALT LAKE NOT-AS-DEDICATED TRIBUNE!!

Pulitzer Prize, here we come.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Now THAT'S Breaking News

So this one guy says to us "Hey The Regal Seagull, you always talk about how you provide us with breaking news, but where's your proof? Let's see a picture of your breaking news!"

No, seriously, that's what he said. This guy was so sarcastic that he actually talked in italics.

Fine. He wants a picture of our breaking news? Here's a picture of our breaking news!

Now shut up already.

Quote Out of Context: Ben Bernanke

"Now that's what I call fancy footwork!"

-Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke

Stephen Hawking, E.T., and a Homeless Person Had a Baby

Since time began, has humankind asked the following question: "What Do You Get If You Cross the Left Hand of Stephen Hawking, the Right Hand of E.T., and the Face of a Homeless Person?"

A statue of Leonardo da Vinci, in front of the Sandy City Library, provides us with the answer.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

Per square mile, there are as many turkeys in Sanpete County as there are people in India, China, Bangladesh, and Lietchenstein combined.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

This Is How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break

This is a picture we took the other day while leaving The Regal Seagull offices. The offices that totally exist and totally aren't made up.

This picture is of a school bus.

Parked in front of the state wine store.

Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would.

So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living.

Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic.

Thank you, bus driver.

The Regal Seagull Tells Kids that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down

This is an ad we saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. Because that's how fancy we are here at The Regal Seagull... we read the Wall Street Non-Pretentious Journal. The ad in question reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

Now we understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

If this is the ad they accepted, we can only imagine the ads they rejected:

"No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."
"No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."

"No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: John McCain

"Cindy, come look at this Marmaduke comic! Why has nobody told me about this?"

-Presidential candidate, John McCain

Wednesday is Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It’s Wednesday… and you know what that means, right? No, it doesn’t mean it’s time to fumigate your garage. Wednesday means it’s MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY!

Although to be honest, your garage probably could use a good fumigatin’.

So, what exactly is MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY? Think you know the great state of Utah inside and out? Well you don’t. And even if you did, we’re going to assume you didn’t. It’s the polite thing to do.

Here’s how it works:

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) No, seriously. This isn’t a joke. Look at the goddamn picture.

3.) The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken?

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

5.) HINT: “Dom DeLuise is fat, and his last name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _.”

Have fun, all you winners out there!

*All we’re going to tell you about the mystery prize is that it may be helpful to buy a lot of cat food.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Creative Way to Boost Utah's Economy

Now sure, some people may say "um, that doesn't really make sense." Then again, that's also what people said to Orville and Wilbur Wright.

The next time you're standing in a soup line, wondering how the economy ended up in the toilet, don't say The Regal Seagull didn't offer any solutions.

Digital Smokey the Bear

Kinda creepy. Hey, Lord of the Rings was some good digital work. The new Smokey the Bear ads. Not so much.

http://www.smokeybear.com/

Even Anti depressants Can't Stop This Feeling of Dread

I'm coming out of the closet, as a non voter. Not since the Reagan era have I felt this hopeless. Let me preface by saying that I'm old enough (barely) to remember the day J.F.K. was shot. I remember wearing a POW bracelet crying with my oldest Sister when her friends got the news that their boyfriends were coming home from Vietnam in pine boxes. I then watched countless friends of mine die of a largely ignored four letter disease that no one famous had yet contracted. Then the first Bush decided it had been too long since the young straight men of this country had a good cleansing. On came Desert Storm. After Clinton was elected, I can't tell you the sense of relief and hope and renewed passion for our world, that overtook everyone I came in contact with. It was as if E was released into the wind.

Nothing prepared me for the blow that came when Bush hijacked Gore and then Kerry.

I avoided watching anything that was political on T.V. for the last eight years. Yes you read right, I have never watched a single thing W has ever said or done. I can't bring myself to look at his stupid phony imitation Texan being. It physically hurt me to hear even the slightest sound of his ignorant voice or see his simian features.

Needless to say, I'm beyond jaded or hopeful, but I decided out of boredom (I was literally in the Universities ER with my son at the time)to watch this years debates. I should preface by saying that I waited until I got my first prescription for Celexa filled. I finally broke down. I watched the last of the Presidential Debates in horror like the three monkeys. One hand over my eyes and the other hand covering my ears. I stuffed a clean sock in my mouth in case you're wondering about the third monkey.

It was more fun than a whole barrel of Monkeys. I never realizes how cute Barrack Obama actually is. His eyes are like twinkling stars, his nose as adorable as a button, and those lips speaking sweet sweet words of....... words. Oh no. This is the part where the CD starts skipping on and on. The DJ went to the bathroom and doesn't know it's happening so you either change the station or wait to see how long it will take before anyone realizes it's happening.

Then there was McCain. Was I watching a Saturday Night Live skit? His coy smiles and grimaces whenever Obama said anything, seemed like he was being directed by Lorne Michaels himself. I'm not sure if he's ever had a stroke but that is the only reason I can think of for his awful comments about every issue he was confronted on. I mean really, do women actually almost die in childbirth? Wow. I was stunned but strangely amused. I wonder if it was his wife on the table and it was between saving her or the baby....hmmmmm. I guess it would depend on how young his present mistress was.

Quote Out of Context: Gary Coleman

"For the last time, I am standing up!"

-Gary Coleman

Anatomy of the Meeting Muffin

One of the joys of being a computer guy is attending useless meetings of which I have no part of, nor do I really care what is being discussed. This allows me to have time to dissect the meeting muffin.

Ahhh, the meeting muffin. Banana nut, blueberry, cinnamon streusel and of course, lemon poppy seed. Those little morsels of joy are present at most of the AM meetings, nestled between slices or cantaloupe and honey dew.

Useless meetings afford me the time to dissect these truly magnificent wonders of the baked goods world.

Size: Meeting muffins are not your grandmothers muffins. They are extra large, pack extra flavor, and probably extra calories, but seriously, who really cares? They have fruit in them, usually. Fruit people.

Assortment: Trying to appease the many different personalities of the typical work meeting means that the assortment of muffins is usually broad. Just get there early, or you will get stuck with the chocolate ones.

Muffin Top: No, I am not talking about the excess waist poking out of your two sizes too small jeans, ladies. These muffin tops are packed with flavor, sugar and cinnamon sprinkles, and sometimes even nuts.

The Body: This part of them muffin is usually disdained by most, but notice that by the end of the meeting, most of the body has been consumed. You see, the body is the sustaining part of the muffin. The part you eat, nervously or out of boredom, but to keep you satiated during this boring gabfest.

The Wrapper: Everyone wants to do it, but at a business meeting, we most certainly will not lick the wrapper.

Sweet Jesus, Hillary is Comin' to Town

Men, get the fuck out of Salt Lake City today. Seriously. Hillary Clinton is coming. Like one of the dark plagues, she is going to swoop in and take away your manhood. That's right, this is no political stop. She is here for your balls.

There will be no warning, like the red mark of goat's blood on your door. No, this time, she is coming to kick ass and take balls. Her goal is to single handedly change the voting demographic from the familiar blue, to flaming red.

Her aim is to inspire the women of Utah to cast aside their beliefs and stop believing that their husbands are the gods that rule them. Empowerment! Bra Burning! Women, take those balls and store them neatly in your huge purses!

So men, you have been warned.

Jimbo The Trucker Dude

Monday, October 20, 2008

Rickroll'd Is the Lowest Form of Mudslinging

We here at The Regal Seagull love bloody politics as much as the next person. Barack Obama is a terrorist! John McCain is off his meds! Sarah Palin has sex with people dressed like moose! Joe Biden... is... once did something!

Despite our fascination with gutter politics, we must admit that we have to draw a line somewhere. While we believe it's ok to make fun of Palin's down syndrome baby, Obama's blackness, and McCain's everything, we here at The Regal Seagull believe the following video is evidence that the mudslinging has gone too far.

The following video is of an attack on a John McCain rally.

Just when we thought the bar couldn't be lowered any more.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: Orrin Hatch

"What is a yellow jacket doing in here?"

-Senator Orrin Hatch

It's about time

I have been telling that smarmy editor since he started his rag to get a blog going. I mean, seriously, he is going to let a bunch of mommy bloggers and prepubescent girls beat him to the punch?

Computer guys actually like blogs. I know, you would not think it, because it seems to be a huge waste of time, and more importantly, taking up my Internet bandwidth, but really, most of them are just text, most do not contain a bunch of crappy viruses and stuff, and if the end users are busy blogging, they won't be breaking their computers as often.

So go forth, end users, and blog. Just don't call me to help you set the damned thing up.

Not So Sincerely,

The Angry Computer Guy

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Welcome to the Regal Seagull's Official Blog

Welcome dear visitor, to the Regal Seagull's official blog.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

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