Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Watch New Year's Eve With The Regal Seagull

Are you spending this New Year's Eve at home? Alone? You're so overwhelmed with what a shitty year this was, that the mere idea of celebrating the worst year in humanity drives you into a deep, dark pit of depression?

We really wish you would stop being melodramatic. Nobody finds it attractive.

Fear not, for The Regal Seagull is here to save or not save the day! Simply pull up a chair next to the computer (this is assuming that you've been standing this entire time), and watch New Year's Eve in Times Square, courtesy of The Regal Seagull, Hulu.com, and Eli Lilly Pharmaceuticals: The makers of Prozac.

Remember: nobody else may love you on this lonely New Year's Eve, but at least The Regal Seagull... well... comes to think of it, we don't either.

Happy New Year's Eve.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dead Zephyr: Week 268

The 20 Most Popular News Stories and Opinion Columns of 2008

Good morning Utah! Aren't you tired of seeing lists? It seems as though everyone has 'best of' lists at this time of year and to be honest, we're just sick of it. The following is why we're tired of seeing lists:

1.) They're usually trivial, and contain no real information.
2.) They almost always state something quite obvious.
3.) They usually are provided in an order with which no one will agree.

We could go on all day about why we hate lists. But we'll have to finish our list later.

Speaking of lists, The Regal Seagull is excited to share the 20 most popular news stories and opinion columns of 2008:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Pres. Cecil Samuelson

"And that, brothers and sisters, is how you make a grilled tuna sandwich."

-BYU president, Cecil Samuelson

Friday, December 26, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Duchesne,Utah has the highest Christmas-to-Hanukkah ratio in the state.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas from The Regal Seagull

Merry Christmas, from our family to yours.

May all of your Christmas dreams come true on shooting stars.

Love, The Regal Seagull

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

Look, just because today is Christmas Eve doesn't mean that it isn't Wednesday. In fact, the Christmas season is all the more reason for Wednesdays to be remembered. Did not the Baby Jesus say, while in the manger, "Thou shall remember Wednesday, the Lord thy God?"

Regardless of what the Baby Jesus said, every Wednesday with The Regal Seagull is Mystery Utah Picture Day!

For those of you who have already played Mystery Utah Picture Day, you already remember the rules. Unless of course, you were hit by a car and are suffering from amnesia. In which case, you have much bigger problems than just remembering the rules to our stupid mystery picture game.

Regardless of whether you remember or not, here are the rules. And seriously, have that whole amnesia thing looked at.

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) I mean, you don't have to. We understand that you're busy wrapping presents and eating Christmas ham. Unless you're Jewish. In which case, you're not eating ham. But also not celebrating Christmas. So in other words, look at the following picture... but only if you're Jewish.

3.) This picture was taken somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken? It's ok, you can tell us.

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
If you cheat, you'll be disqualified.
You must send in your answer by 12:00 am, MST.
As always, use a number 2 pencil.
Don't ask Jesus for the answer. That's considered cheating.

*Actually, there's no mystery prize this week. We accidentally gave it away in our white elephant gift exchange.

Top Stories for December 24th

Good morning Utah! TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS!! WE'RE TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP!! SANTA'S COMING TONIGHT!! WE'LL SOON ALL HAVE PRESENTS!!

On an unrelated note, how about that Jesus?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dead Zephyr: Week 267

Classified: Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing!

Also, we've included a check for a few million in the envelope.

Love,
EnergySolutions




Dear Santa,

I'm lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I'm falling into obscurity. If you could send a headline my way this Christmas, give me one more assistant to fire or, at the very least, acknowledge my existence. It will help me through my transition.

Love,
Rocky Anderson




Dear Santa,

I feel smaller all the time. I get the feeling the world is laughing at me. All I want for Christmas is peace on Earth (re: Iraq), some Viagra for that special boost, and a muzzle for Henry Paulson.

Love,
The Economy




Dear Santa,

All I really need for Christmas is a bath.

Love,
The Great Saltair




Dear Santa,

I don't want anything this year. I don't deserve it anyway. I'm just going to take a few Prozac with my Jack Daniels and crawl into bed around 3p.m.

You can skip my house this year, Santa.

Love,
The most Depressed State in the Nation




Dear Santa,

I would hope that we be blessed with success in finding our eternal companion, another wacky group date idea and an understanding of the word "satire."

Love,
BYU Students

Top Stories for December 23rd

Good morning Utah! Are you so excited for Christmas that the anticipation is seeping out of your pores?

Yeah, you may want to use an exfoliator for that.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Monday, December 22, 2008

Larry H. Miller Presents: The 2008 Holiday MegaGift™ Guide

Not sure what to buy this Christmas for the person who has everything? You know, the guy who owns, oh, let's say, a sports franchise, a chain of megaplex theaters, a television station, a sports park, 19 car dealerships and a Mayan-themed restaurant? Why give your loved one a boring gift, when you can give him or her an exciting MegaGift™?

Salt Lake City ($13.7 Billion)
Pesky Democrats and the catty City Weekly will be a thing of the past, for your gift recipient! Did your loved one wish a red-blooded Republican was mayor of Salt Lake City? Make it happen!


The Word "What" ($6.2 Billion)
Anytime someone says the word "what," your gift recipient will receive a handsome royalty! What a great idea! These past two sentences alone cost me $2 million dollars!


Sex ($201.4 Billion)
Not applicable in Utah County.







A Lifetime Supply of Gift Cards to Chili's ($450)
Great gift for your loved one! All the Awesome Blossom they could ever want - or not want - to eat.




Hildale ($15)
Sure, your gift recipient won't ever actually want to visit Hildale -- but imagine how impressive "owns small town" looks on a résumé.

Top Stories for December 22nd

Good morning Utah! T-minus three days until Christmas. Have you ever wondered what exactly the "t" in "t-minus" means? Yeah, we haven't either.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Robert Redford

"It's called a kabob, you dipshit. A kabob."

-Sundance founder, Robert Redford

Top Stories for December 20th

Good morning Utah! It's almost Christmas! Are you ready? Did you already buy gifts for your brother? Your wife? Your uncle? Your mother? Your sister? Your cousin? Your father-in-law? Your aunt? Your grandparents?

Your pharmacist?

Speaking of anti-depressants, here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Friday, December 19, 2008

Mitt Romney Has His Own Series and You Don't

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Top Stories for December 19th

Good morning Utah! Did you have that dream again last night where you were one of the guys who works on the streets of the Las Vegas Strip, passing out tiny porn flyers?

Yeah, so do you think those guys get good health benefits?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He Puts the 'Chris' in 'Christmas'

We here at The Regal Seagull are currently preparing our holiday cards
to go out. Salt Lake Tribune? Check. Superdrell? Check. That homeless
guy who always asks us for change at the library? No check. Gary
Coleman?Check.

OH MY GOD, WE FORGOT CHRIS BUTTARS!!

Fear not, for you too can send him a non-christmas holiday card. Be
sure to address Chris Buttars' "Happy Holidays" card to:

Chris & Helen Buttars
9241 Lisa Ave.
West Jordan, UT 84088

Be sure to Tell him The Regal Seagull sent you. Or the Baby Jesus, that works too.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Ironically, no women actually live in Beaver, Utah.

Top Stories for December 18th

Good morning Utah! Are you enjoying your bowl of oatmeal? Let's hope so - in this economy, you probably can't afford to eat anything else.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It's Wednesday again! Yeah, we know what you're thinking: "wasn't it just barely Wednesday, like, a week ago?" To answer your question, no it wasn't.

As you may or may not already know, Wednesday is Mystery Utah Picture Day. The instructions are simple:

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) Or don't. We really could care less.

3.) The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken?

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
No cheating.
Use a number 2 pencil.

*We checked with our lawyers - unwanted children can still be given away as prizes.

Top Stories for December 17th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget: there are only 9 shopping days left to buy Christmas gifts for your children!

Or 12 shopping days left, if you don't have full custody and only see your children every other weekend.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Chris Buttars

"Actually, this is my first time."

-State Senator Chris Buttars

Top Stories for December 16th

Good morning Utah! Be careful while you're driving to work with all that snow out there. If you don't, your car may slide off the road into a ditch, and then you're dead.

But on the bright side, at least you won't have to go into work!

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008

What is worse than a blog that is never updated

Chicken McNuggets
Automakers who wipe their asses with $100 bills, and beg for money from the government
Bad Hygiene
Ex-wives
Crime in impoverished area's of town
The television show "Heroes" (do they ever actually do anything heroic?)
Trolls
Hannity
California conservatives
The French
Wal-Mart shareholders
The Atomic Energy Commission

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Amalga, Utah is.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Contrary to popular belief, the town of Joseph, Utah was not named for LDS church founder Joseph Smith. It was, in fact, named for a little-known but well-respect bull riding champion named Joseph Smith.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Fingerless Gloves and the Asshats who wear them


God those things look stupid. You know, those black leather or neoprene fingerless gloves that some asshats wear. Seriously, the look is played dude. You don't look cool. You don't look tough. You, my friend, are a huge tool.

I did see one exception. A dude in a wheelchair. I am sure those things are useful then.

I know, someone is going to say, "What about weightlifters?" If I saw a weightlifter that actually wore those gloves, than more power to him. But the guys I see wearing them are skinny white guys with bad teeth and a bad helmet (hair) trying to look like a tough punk.

Asshats!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

You really don't think computer guys eat lunch?

Are you kidding me. Seriously? The five of us in the IT department weigh a combined 1780 lbs. We eat lunch every day. Sometimes twice a day.

So the next time you have an urgent computer problem, yet can't give up your computer for 10 minutes during the day except for lunch, remember that we eat lunch, while watching streaming television and we don't want to work on your issue during that time.

The Angry Computer Guy

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

8 out of 10 residents of Koosharem, Utah have killed either a racoon or a stray cat with a shovel.

C'mon, Utah, time to put down the vodka.

Wow, Utah, you've been hitting the bottle pretty hard since the other night, haven't you?

Us, too.

Probably for different reasons.

But don't worry! We'll get through this together. After all, Utah, hasn't the Regal Seagull always been there for you? Through the bad times and the good. We held you when you cried, you held back our hair while we puked, and then we held you again while you cried because we puked on your favorite shoes.

So come on, Utah. Together we can find a way to make it through this tragedy. Somehow we will find the strength to carry on, to keep our heads held high and our upper lips stiff, and accept the results of Tuesday night's electoral injustice with stoic grace.

Even though all seems lost now, and the task at hand appears impossible, we'll just have to try to survive in a world where SUPERDELL is not our governor.

The best of luck to us all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Gary Coleman Facts


Gary Coleman can cause serious damage to your lower legs.

When Gary Coleman talks, only children listen.

If your name is Willis, Gary Coleman does not want to know "what you talkin' bout".

Gary Coleman secretly worked as a security guard to overcome his fear of being broke.

Do not take a picture of Gary Coleman. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman does not vote unless you have a step stool.

No, Gary Coleman will not pop out of a cake at your bachelorette party. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman will run you over with a truck, as long as he has a stack of telephone books to sit on.

Gary Coleman will not run for president in 2012. Ok, but it's five bucks.

In a fight between Gary Coleman and Chuck Norris, Chuck would deliver a roundhouse kick that would shoot Gary all the way back to California. Thanks Chuck!

Because We Don't Want Obama and McCain to Get Gay Married

We here at the Regal Seagull pride ourselves on bringing you the best news coverage in Utah. We're also pretty proud about being able to fit into our skinny jeans again. But most of our pride is about the quality of our news, and about reporting the issues that matter most to Utahns.

Which is why we were so flippin' proud to display this ad about a propisition that nobody in Utah gets to vote about on our homepage today:


You're welcome, Utah.

Top Stories for November 4th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget to vote today! Because if you don't, you're no better than the terrorists.

Well, the non-voting terrorists to be specific.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Monday, November 3, 2008

God has a message for you


Good news everybody. At my company Halloween party, God showed up in his white flowing robe and beard with a message.

No to proposition 8.

Just in case you wondered what he really thought about it.

Top Stories for November 3rd

Good morning Utah! Are you getting a late start on your Monday morning as well?

Well if it makes you feel any better, The Regal Seagull is late on both its Monday morning and in getting its period.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Go To Hell Trunk or Treat!


As an avid home haunter, you know, those guys that decorate their lawns with lots of Halloween props in hopes to lure in young trick or treaters and then mercilessly scaring them beyond belief so that they have nightmares for the rest of their childhood, I absolutely love Halloween. But this year, my chances for scaring the hell out of the little punks of my neighborhood were squashed because of the scourge known as "Trunk or Treat".

People park their cars in rows at the local church house parking lot, open their trunks, and pass out candy there. I know, it is a safe environment, with no chances of predators swiping one of those precious angels, and it greatly reduces the chance of them getting hit by a car. But seriously, I had a total of five kids! I wait all year to scare those miscreants. It is like a drug for me, my fix. But no. Trunk or Treat has swooped in and taken my scary thunder.

I am writing my local congressman and getting a law passed or something.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Freddy Krueger

"No thank you, I already have a subscription to the New York Times."

-Freddy Krueger, serial killer

Happy Halloween from The Regal Seagull

Good morning Utah! You may have noticed that our main news site, www.regalseagull.com, has not been updated this morning with news-like news stories. This is intentional.

As you may and/or may not know, today is Halloween. Of what significance is this? Simple. News does not ever happen on Halloween. Ever. This is how we became Utah's #1 News SourceTM - by knowing that news never occurs on Halloween.

BUT DON'T WORRY! Seriously, we're not crapping around - don't worry. You can still visit The Regal Seagull Blog on Halloween! You can still read past archives for The Regal Seagull on Halloween! You can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween! Just kidding, you're 37 years old and that's creepy!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween, Utah! You deserve it. And remember: don't take candy from strangers, unless the candy looks really really delicious.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Thomas S. Monson

"You've been pwned!"

-President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Thomas S. Monson

Top Stories for October 30th

Good morning Utah! You slept in pretty late this morning and are now late for work, isn't that right? Just do what we do: call your work and tell them you have morning sickness. No one ever gets mad at a pregnant woman.

The downside though is that you now have to wear a pillow under your shirt for the next 9 months.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

In Howell, Utah stop signs have 9 sides. This is believed to be the inspiration for a local catch phrase where residents refer to good news as "ninethastic."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Paul Rolly

"Seriously, who let the dog in the house?"

-Salt Lake Tribune columnist Paul Rolly

The 3rd Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm! We're almost to Halloween! And like an idiot, you're standing there not having a costume. Don't worry, for The Regal Seagull has cheerfully and obligingly provided you with the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween CostumesTM. Today's costume is sure to be popular with anyone who enjoys dressing up as a bunch of people. Oh, and anyone who likes singing while being dressed up as a bunch of people.

THE 3RD MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That's right. The entire Mormon Tabernacle Freakin' Choir.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever fancy tuxedo/dress hybrids are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
If singing songs that cause others to take a nap is considered awesome, then yes. This costume is awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, strangely enough. But you'll have to provide your own Viagra.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can brag that you're an Grammy award winning choir! You know, the Grammy you won in 1960.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You're dressing up as a 360-person choir, so naturally people will assume you're very fat.

Stuff You Guys Better Stop Saying

"It's Beer-O-Clock" - Try saying that at some biker bar and see what those dudes do to you. (HINT Your medical insurance does not cover foreign objects in your ass)

"My Bad" - Ever hear the most annoying sound in the world? It will be your whining after I slap you. Nuff said.

"Nuff Said" - Did I just say that? Holy christ what was I thinking? I was thinking that I am starring in my own Kid N' Play movie.

"Chillax" - I don't let my teenage daughter say it because she sounds like a moron every time that phrase is uttered. You are 40! Stop it!

"Anal" - As in describing a person as having an anal personality. Yuck

"Fo Sho" - You are a white, overweight, middle-aged executive. You have never seen the hood, and the only black person you know is the intern from Kenya in your office.

Damn It's Hot In My Office

I am not talking about hot, like describing good looking people, or a cool vibe or anything like that. I mean the heat is up too high. We get one cold snap, and the damned owners of this shitty building kill the air conditioning and crank up the heat.

This building is like 200 years old. That air conditioning only works good in the winter, so leave it on you knuckleheads.

Did I mention it is freaking hot in here.

Fin

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It’s Wednesday again, which means it’s time for another MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY! We know what you’re thinking… we didn’t think we would live to experience another Wednesday either.

For those who missed our first MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY:

1.) What the hell is wrong with you, moron?

2.) Here’s a friendly reminder of how this works!

Look at the following picture. The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where it is?

Be the first person to email us at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer, and you’ll win a life supply of phone books! Hey, those things don’t come cheap.

HINT: "All good things come to those who wait. What bullshit, right?"

Have fun! Guess the Mystery Utah Picture! Floss twice a day!

Top Stories for October 29th

Good morning Utah! We hope you don't mind that we brought in the newspaper.

Oh, didn't we tell you? The Regal Seagull spent the night on your couch.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Quote Out of Context: An Anonymous Proposition 8 Supporter

"Could I get a turkey and avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread, hold the mayo?"

-An anonymous Proposition 8 supporter

The 4th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mommy Blogger

T-minus 3 days! Halloween is this Friday! If you weren't worried yesterday about not having a costume, you should absolutely be worried today! Fortunately, you have The Regal Seagull. During the past few days we've provided you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween CostumesTM. Today's costume is sure to be a hit with the ladies. And no, we don't mean "hit with the ladies" in a spouse abuse sort of way.

THE 4TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Mommy Blogger

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever unattractive, frumpy clothes are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
To the 12 readers who read your blog? Yes.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, by your husband. Resulting in even more babies.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You get to remain blissfully oblivious of the fact that nobody wants to see 4,000 pictures of your baby.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You'll have to start your own boring blog - it doesn't come with the costume.

Internet "Trolls" Want Freedom of Speech Banned


In a stunning move today, an organization of Internet Trolls staged a protest in the parking lot of a downtown McDonalds. They are protesting the 1st amendment of the constitution, pushing for legislation to ban freedom of speech.

An Internet Troll is someone who peruses online bulletin boards, newsgroups, blogs, etc. and writes prose that incites others, and causes people to retaliate in speech. A "Troll" is most happy when they have garnered a multitude of responses to their outlandish claims.

The major demographic for an Internet Troll is typically a 25-35 year old overweight male who lives with his parents, typically in their basement. The trolls are usually virgins, and spend an equal amount of time on the internet downloading pornographic material as they spend writing their rants and insults.

Soon after the protest, many members of the Unified Trolls of America converged inside the McDonalds for their third lunch of the day.

The Regal Seagull Weekly Poll: Utah's Race for Governor

Dearest Regal Seagull readers and readerettes,

Have you wondered any of the following?

  • Did Jon Huntsman know this is an election year - and does it even matter?

  • Which does Bob Springmeyer have more of: pluck or gumption?

  • Have you wondered if Dell "Super" Schanze is so crazy that he in fact might just be a genius (minus the genius part)?

We can't help you answer any of these questions. But you can vote in our new poll!

Be sure to vote before our poll closes on November 5th. Remember: every vote counts. Unlike the real election, we don't discriminate against voters who happen to be dead or cartoon characters.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Top Stories for October 28th

Good morning Utah! Did you remember this morning to take the dog outside to use the bathroom? No?

That's ok. We like coming home to a puddle of pee on the kitchen floor as well.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Monday, October 27, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Todd Palin

"You're totally right. If you wear it just like that, it hides your c-section scar."

-Todd Palin

The 5th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: The Holy Ghost

Halloween is at the end of this week! Only a few days left before it's crunch time. AND YOU DON'T HAVE A HALLOWEEN COSTUME YET!! Do not fear, as the rest of this week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween CostumesTM.

THE 5TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Holy Ghost

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At church. Or the stillness of the night, in prayer. Wal-Mart also has a few Holy Ghost costumes left in their bargain bin.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
It depends. Are you part of the holy trinity, or aren't you?

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Absolutely not. Don't be inappropriate.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can float through walls.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You have to go to bed at midnight. Everyone knows the Holy Ghost goes to bed by midnight.

Top Stories for October 27th

Good morning Utah! Did you wake up this morning next to someone you didn't even know? You're kind of a slut, aren't you Utah?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

The Regal Seagull appreciates a nice set of knockers....

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The 6th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: SUPERDELL

Do you have your Halloween costume yet? Of course you don't. You've busy with other things, like drinking milk straight out of the carton. We here at The Regal Seagull wish you would stop that. Not everybody wants your lips on the milk carton.

As for the costume, we are here to help! For the rest of the week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween CostumesTM. Yesterday we provided you with the 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs. And here is today's costume idea:

THE 6TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Libertarian candidate for governor, SUPERDELL

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At any gun shop, hang gliding shop, or the state mental health department.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Totally. Totally awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is attracted to media-hating, bat-shit crazy, former computer company owners who happen to be running for governor. Just stick to women with the intelligence of a golf club and you'll be fine.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
All the guns you can carry. Plus, you get to spell your name in all CAPS.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
People at your Halloween party would rather talk to a eucalyptus tree than someone dressed up as SUPERDELL.

Overpopulation? What Overpopulation?

Now we're not necessarily pointing our finger at Utah (the fact that we're pointing our finger in the direction of the Intermountain West is purely coincidental), but when silhouettes of individual family members fill up the entire length of your car, you should take that as a sign that you should stop having children.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Henry Kissinger

"Oh c'mon, I cannot possibly be the only one here who likes Banarama."

-Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger

The 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs


With only a few days remaining until Halloween, many are scrambling around looking for a last-minute Halloween costume. And the questions, oh the questions!

  • "Will this kitty costume show my cleavage?"

  • "I'm going as the ghost of Tim Russert - too soon?"

  • "Where can I find a wig for my pregnant Bristol Palin costume?"

  • "Does dressing in drag mean I'm gay?" (usually)

Fear not, for this is why you read The Regal Seagull: Utah's #1 News Source! For the next 7 days, we will provide you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween CostumesTM, as well as information on where to buy the costume, how popular it is, and the odds of getting laid while wearing the costume.

THE 7TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Warren Jeffs, the former FLDS prophet

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At a nearby Deseret Industries, Salvation Army, or local polygamist shoppe.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Kind of.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is very, very homely. And doesn't mind sharing, if you catch our drift.

Top Stories for October 25th

Good morning Utah! Did you catch that weird episode of Twin Peaks that was on TV last night, sometime around 3:00 am?

If so, you may want to look into taking care of your insomnia.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Friday, October 24, 2008

This license plate totally blew my mind


But not because of the religious aspect. I was merely surprised that the verse was from the Bible, when everyone in Utah knows the real bible is the B.O.M. I would of expected Nephi 12:4.

Quote Out of Context: Michael Jackson

"Do these pants make my ass look black?"

-Michael Jackson

Don't Ride TRAX If It's On Fire


A Regal Seagull staff member was riding TRAX the other day, and got off at the 1300 South station. He noticed a mural painted to the immediate right of the station, and couldn't help but notice that part of the mural depicted a TRAX train.

Flying off the tracks.

Flying off the tracks and on fire.

Let's be honest with ourselves. There are some warnings that don't necessarily need to be followed.

"The Surgeon General says not smoke, puff puff puff."
"Medical advice warns against drinking while pregnant, glug glug glug."
"Don't drive while talking on a cell phone? Doesn't apply to me!"
"Of course we can operate heavy machinery after taking this sleep medication!"
"Oops, dropped my wedding ring down the garbage disposal - here, let me get that."

Don't do this, don't do that. Warning warning warning.

But the day we see a mural depicting a train on fire while simultaneously flying off the track, to the immediate right of the very train we just descended?

That is a warning we will heed.

Top Stories for October 24th

Good morning Utah! Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? We know what you mean, as we woke up on the wrong side of the bed too.

Although to be honest, people who sleep on a bed of nails always wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull Offices Will Be Closed Today

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull offices will be closed today, due to the following...


Why are we closing our offices today over something as trivial as a movie?

Well, we noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune had created an entire section for the release of this groundbreaking movie, as well as writing five stories about the movie with the span of...um... one day.

So in order to prove we're more dedicated than the Tribune, we will be closing our offices so that we may watch back-to-back showings of the greatest cinematic experience to ever grace an American theater.

TAKE THAT, SALT LAKE NOT-AS-DEDICATED TRIBUNE!!

Pulitzer Prize, here we come.



-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Now THAT'S Breaking News

So this one guy says to us "Hey The Regal Seagull, you always talk about how you provide us with breaking news, but where's your proof? Let's see a picture of your breaking news!"

No, seriously, that's what he said. This guy was so sarcastic that he actually talked in italics.

Fine. He wants a picture of our breaking news? Here's a picture of our breaking news!


Now shut up already.

Quote Out of Context: Ben Bernanke

"Now that's what I call fancy footwork!"

-Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke

Stephen Hawking, E.T., and a Homeless Person Had a Baby

Since time began, has humankind asked the following question: "What Do You Get If You Cross the Left Hand of Stephen Hawking, the Right Hand of E.T., and the Face of a Homeless Person?"

A statue of Leonardo da Vinci, in front of the Sandy City Library, provides us with the answer.

Top Stories for October 23rd

Good morning Utah! Start up your laptop, visit your #1 source for Utah news - The Regal Seagull, and brew yourself a cup of coffee. Don't have too much coffee though, because we once knew a guy who got so fired up from too much caffeine that he drove through a brick wall.

What's even scarier, is that he was on a bicycle.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

Per square mile, there are as many turkeys in Sanpete County as there are people in India, China, Bangladesh, and Lietchenstein combined.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

This Is How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break

This is a picture we took the other day while leaving The Regal Seagull offices. The offices that totally exist and totally aren't made up.

This picture is of a school bus.

Parked in front of the state wine store.


Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would.

So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living.

Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic.

Thank you, bus driver.

The Regal Seagull Tells Kids that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down


This is an ad we saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. Because that's how fancy we are here at The Regal Seagull... we read the Wall Street Non-Pretentious Journal. The ad in question reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

Now we understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

If this is the ad they accepted, we can only imagine the ads they rejected:

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."

  • "No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: John McCain

"Cindy, come look at this Marmaduke comic! Why has nobody told me about this?"

-Presidential candidate, John McCain

Top Stories for October 22nd

Good morning Utah! Did you have that dream again about going to school in only your underwear?

We have bad news for you - it wasn't a dream. Seriously, have you seen the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune yet?

In the meanwhile, here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Wednesday is Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It’s Wednesday… and you know what that means, right? No, it doesn’t mean it’s time to fumigate your garage. Wednesday means it’s MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY!

Although to be honest, your garage probably could use a good fumigatin’.

So, what exactly is MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY? Think you know the great state of Utah inside and out? Well you don’t. And even if you did, we’re going to assume you didn’t. It’s the polite thing to do.

Here’s how it works:

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) No, seriously. This isn’t a joke. Look at the goddamn picture.

3.) The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken?

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

5.) HINT: “Dom DeLuise is fat, and his last name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _.”

Have fun, all you winners out there!

*All we’re going to tell you about the mystery prize is that it may be helpful to buy a lot of cat food.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Creative Way to Boost Utah's Economy


Now sure, some people may say "um, that doesn't really make sense." Then again, that's also what people said to Orville and Wilbur Wright.

The next time you're standing in a soup line, wondering how the economy ended up in the toilet, don't say The Regal Seagull didn't offer any solutions.

Digital Smokey the Bear



Kinda creepy. Hey, Lord of the Rings was some good digital work. The new Smokey the Bear ads. Not so much.

http://www.smokeybear.com/

Even Anti depressants Can't Stop This Feeling of Dread

I'm coming out of the closet, as a non voter. Not since the Reagan era have I felt this hopeless. Let me preface by saying that I'm old enough (barely) to remember the day J.F.K. was shot. I remember wearing a POW bracelet crying with my oldest Sister when her friends got the news that their boyfriends were coming home from Vietnam in pine boxes. I then watched countless friends of mine die of a largely ignored four letter disease that no one famous had yet contracted. Then the first Bush decided it had been too long since the young straight men of this country had a good cleansing. On came Desert Storm. After Clinton was elected, I can't tell you the sense of relief and hope and renewed passion for our world, that overtook everyone I came in contact with. It was as if E was released into the wind.

Nothing prepared me for the blow that came when Bush hijacked Gore and then Kerry.

I avoided watching anything that was political on T.V. for the last eight years. Yes you read right, I have never watched a single thing W has ever said or done. I can't bring myself to look at his stupid phony imitation Texan being. It physically hurt me to hear even the slightest sound of his ignorant voice or see his simian features.

Needless to say, I'm beyond jaded or hopeful, but I decided out of boredom (I was literally in the Universities ER with my son at the time)to watch this years debates. I should preface by saying that I waited until I got my first prescription for Celexa filled. I finally broke down. I watched the last of the Presidential Debates in horror like the three monkeys. One hand over my eyes and the other hand covering my ears. I stuffed a clean sock in my mouth in case you're wondering about the third monkey.

It was more fun than a whole barrel of Monkeys. I never realizes how cute Barrack Obama actually is. His eyes are like twinkling stars, his nose as adorable as a button, and those lips speaking sweet sweet words of....... words. Oh no. This is the part where the CD starts skipping on and on. The DJ went to the bathroom and doesn't know it's happening so you either change the station or wait to see how long it will take before anyone realizes it's happening.

Then there was McCain. Was I watching a Saturday Night Live skit? His coy smiles and grimaces whenever Obama said anything, seemed like he was being directed by Lorne Michaels himself. I'm not sure if he's ever had a stroke but that is the only reason I can think of for his awful comments about every issue he was confronted on. I mean really, do women actually almost die in childbirth? Wow. I was stunned but strangely amused. I wonder if it was his wife on the table and it was between saving her or the baby....hmmmmm. I guess it would depend on how young his present mistress was.

Quote Out of Context: Gary Coleman

"For the last time, I am standing up!"

-Gary Coleman

Anatomy of the Meeting Muffin

One of the joys of being a computer guy is attending useless meetings of which I have no part of, nor do I really care what is being discussed. This allows me to have time to dissect the meeting muffin.

Ahhh, the meeting muffin. Banana nut, blueberry, cinnamon streusel and of course, lemon poppy seed. Those little morsels of joy are present at most of the AM meetings, nestled between slices or cantaloupe and honey dew.

Useless meetings afford me the time to dissect these truly magnificent wonders of the baked goods world.

Size: Meeting muffins are not your grandmothers muffins. They are extra large, pack extra flavor, and probably extra calories, but seriously, who really cares? They have fruit in them, usually. Fruit people.

Assortment: Trying to appease the many different personalities of the typical work meeting means that the assortment of muffins is usually broad. Just get there early, or you will get stuck with the chocolate ones.

Muffin Top: No, I am not talking about the excess waist poking out of your two sizes too small jeans, ladies. These muffin tops are packed with flavor, sugar and cinnamon sprinkles, and sometimes even nuts.

The Body: This part of them muffin is usually disdained by most, but notice that by the end of the meeting, most of the body has been consumed. You see, the body is the sustaining part of the muffin. The part you eat, nervously or out of boredom, but to keep you satiated during this boring gabfest.

The Wrapper: Everyone wants to do it, but at a business meeting, we most certainly will not lick the wrapper.

Top Stories for October 21st

Good morning Utah! Are you enjoying your bowl of oatmeal? Let's hope so - in this economy, you probably can't afford to eat anything else.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Sweet Jesus, Hillary is Comin' to Town

Men, get the fuck out of Salt Lake City today. Seriously. Hillary Clinton is coming. Like one of the dark plagues, she is going to swoop in and take away your manhood. That's right, this is no political stop. She is here for your balls.

There will be no warning, like the red mark of goat's blood on your door. No, this time, she is coming to kick ass and take balls. Her goal is to single handedly change the voting demographic from the familiar blue, to flaming red.

Her aim is to inspire the women of Utah to cast aside their beliefs and stop believing that their husbands are the gods that rule them. Empowerment! Bra Burning! Women, take those balls and store them neatly in your huge purses!

So men, you have been warned.

Jimbo The Trucker Dude

Monday, October 20, 2008

Rickroll'd Is the Lowest Form of Mudslinging

We here at The Regal Seagull love bloody politics as much as the next person. Barack Obama is a terrorist! John McCain is off his meds! Sarah Palin has sex with people dressed like moose! Joe Biden... is... once did something!

Despite our fascination with gutter politics, we must admit that we have to draw a line somewhere. While we believe it's ok to make fun of Palin's down syndrome baby, Obama's blackness, and McCain's everything, we here at The Regal Seagull believe the following video is evidence that the mudslinging has gone too far.

The following video is of an attack on a John McCain rally.



Just when we thought the bar couldn't be lowered any more.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: Orrin Hatch

"What is a yellow jacket doing in here?"

-Senator Orrin Hatch

Top Stories for October 20th

Good morning Utah! Did you have a nice weekend? Remember: if you're feeling hungover this morning, you have no one to blame but yourself. That, and your low tolerance for alcohol.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

It's about time

I have been telling that smarmy editor since he started his rag to get a blog going. I mean, seriously, he is going to let a bunch of mommy bloggers and prepubescent girls beat him to the punch?

Computer guys actually like blogs. I know, you would not think it, because it seems to be a huge waste of time, and more importantly, taking up my Internet bandwidth, but really, most of them are just text, most do not contain a bunch of crappy viruses and stuff, and if the end users are busy blogging, they won't be breaking their computers as often.

So go forth, end users, and blog. Just don't call me to help you set the damned thing up.

Not So Sincerely,

The Angry Computer Guy

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Welcome to the Regal Seagull's Official Blog

Welcome dear visitor, to the Regal Seagull's official blog.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008