The Regal Seagull Blog

Vote for The Regal Seagull, and Save Us From Ourselves

2009-03-06T10:52:00.006-07:00

Dearest Reader,

If you'll allow me, I'd like to drop the 'character' we usually employ when writing our blog posts and editorial letters. I am writing as Ryan Shattuck, editor and founder of The Regal Seagull - from my heart to your heart. Imagine, if you will, that our hearts are sitting down at a cafe and enjoying tea on a nice sunny afternoon. The same way two best friends might. Except they're hearts.

As you know, The Regal Seagull has not been updated in a number of weeks. There is but just one simple reason for this: we are burned out. We've run out of motivation. We don't get paid to run The Regal Seagull, nor do we even receive acclaim or any kind of praise. We write and update The Regal Seagull because we're in love with humor and we're (mostly) in love with Utah. This isn't us being cheesy. This is us being honest and sincere.

We've given you, the reader, a lot over the past year. Next month will be The Regal Seagull's 1-year anniversary, and in that time we've written nearly 500 stories, making fun of Utah and national news. In comparison, there are only 431 episodes of The Simpsons. That's right. There are more Regal Seagull stories than there are The Simpsons episodes. But in further comparison, The Simpsons is a lot funnier than The Regal Seagull.

Although we've grown and matured in our first year, it's also taken its toll on us. Most of The Regal Seagull's staff have at least one full time job, some of us are still in school, and nearly all of us write for other publications. I myself work two jobs and am also working on a book right now; thus it's been difficult to find the time or motivation to invest in The Regal Seagull as before.

Regardless of our priorities and responsibilities, we sincerely want The Regal Seagull to continue for a very long time. We need your help.

We are asking the fans of The Regal Seagull to save The Regal Seagull.

We've never asked anything from our fans before. We give and give until it hurts, and all we've ever wanted is a little love. You've certainly followed through. However, in this dire time we are forced to ask for a little more. Don't worry: we are not and will never ask for money.

Instead, we are asking you for your vote.

The Salt Lake City Weekly is currently running its "Best of Utah" awards. While we probably don't qualify for any of the regular categories, we are however asking you to vote for us in the write-in "Your Choice" category. We ask that you vote for us as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull.

You vote as follows:

1.) Visit www.cityweekly.net/utah by March 9th, 2009.

2.) Click where it says "Best of Utah 2009 Ballot." Be sure to stay clear of that lesbian on the right.

3.) You will have to register. Thank you for registering.

4.) One you register, you will be allowed to vote. Make sure you vote in at least 10 categories or your ballot will be invalid.

5.) At the very bottom, you will see a category which reads: "Best: Your Choice (anything we left off that you love)" You love The Regal Seagull. So write in as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull

6.) That's it. Click submit.

We know this is a lot to ask of you. But if you love The Regal Seagull - and you do - the best way to show your thanks is by voting for us. By voting for The Regal Seagull, you are telling us that you appreciate the hard work we do, and wish it would exist until long after we're dead. At which point, we'll probably stop updating the website.

Nobody likes a website written by zombies.

Thank you, fans of The Regal Seagull. You've made us who we are today.

Sincerely,
Ryan Shattuck
The Regal Seagull

How in the world did they come up with the word....

2009-02-24T17:19:00.005-07:00

Vagina

The origins of 'Vagina' come from the Greeks, with 'Vag' meaning flower, and 'Ina' meaning the fragrance of fish.

God that was lame. We really did a vagina fish joke? Are you kidding me?

Well, have you seen this blog lately. I mean, come on. Bacon? Valentines cards.

I am going to go jab a fork into my eye over this post. Sorry everyone.

What if....

2009-02-20T15:59:00.001-07:00

What if John Madden and Andy Rooney had a love child?

Would anyone understand a goddamn thing that kid ever said?

Vegans and Vegetarians

2009-02-18T08:59:00.003-07:00

Don’t you miss it?

I know you miss it.

How could you not miss bacon?

You know, God loves bacon.

The Regal Seagull Gives You An Eighth Free Valentine's Day Card

2009-02-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a little known fact for this Valentine's Day: over 95% of marriages end in divorce.

At least according to our divorce lawyer.

Cheer up! Here's another free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull.

How About a Seventh Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T16:30:00.001-07:00

Do you know what's better than 6 free Valentine's Day cards? How about 7 free Valentine's Day cards.

Do you know what's better than 7 free Valentine's Day cards? A toilet made of solid gold.

Unfortunately we're all out of solid gold toilets (blame Ed McMahon), so you'll have to enjoy your 7th free Valentine's Day card.

From The Regal Seagull. Stop being ungrateful.

A Sixth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Did you get that gift basket we sent you of Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Serlift, Prozac, Fontex and Jack Daniels?

It's our Valentine's Day gift, from us to you.

While you wait for your gift to arrive, please enjoy this free Valentine's Day card from The Regal Seagull.

Your Fifth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

Cheer up, your Valentine's Day isn't that bad. It could be much worse. At least you didn't drink a bottle of rat poison in a desperate attempt to end your life.

What's that, you did? Oh. Well you're screwed.

In the last remaining hours of your life, why not check out your free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull?

Would You Like a Fourth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull?

2009-02-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

There are just two things that bring us immense pleasure in this life.

Giving away free Valentine's Day cards to our readers.

We can't discuss the other one, as this is a family website. But we're talking a lot of pleasure. Like, roll-your-eyes-in-the-back-of-your-head pleasure.

Here's your fourth Valentine's Card, courtesy of The Regal Seagull and nobody else.

Have a Third Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

How sad - The Regal Seagull's website is still down today. Oh, and you just found out you have terminal cancer.

But let's focus on what's important - The Regal Seagull's website is still down.

Don't worry, we still love you. Even if we're the only ones. Which we are.

Here's your third card. You're welcome.

The Regal Seagull Gives You Your Second Free Valentine's Day Card

2009-02-14T11:31:00.001-07:00

Having a lousy Valentine's Day? It's probably because, like an idiot, you asked for a divorce on February 13th. Nice one.

Don't worry, The Regal Seagull still loves you. Here is your very own valentine's day card. Be sure to also check out the first card we gave you.

Your First Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T10:20:00.002-07:00

What a crappy Valentine's Day, right?

It's snowing.

You just found out you have gonohorrea and/or jaundice (you choose).

And you go to The Regal Seagull's website, only to find out that it's down for the day?

Before you kill yourself, please remember that The Regal Seagull loves you and (mostly) does not condone suicide.

So for the rest of the day, we will be sharing Valentine's Day cards with you - all our loyal readers!

Happy Valentine's Day. We love you. Please don't tell our wife.

Clever Co-Workers

2009-02-09T15:48:00.003-07:00

I like to have a nice cup of Earl Grey tea in the afternoon. The aroma is wonderful, and it really has a nice calming effect.

Of course, the brutes that I share an office with tease me unmercifully, and given me a new nickname. "Earl Gay". Get it. It is a play on Earl Grey, but with the word "Gay" because I like a nice hot cup of tea in the afternoon.

Those clever co-workers of mine have really outdid themselves this time.

This cup of tea is for you fella's.

Sincerely,

Earl Gay

Guess Who's Giving Obama Money for the Stimulus Package?

2009-02-04T15:47:00.004-07:00

Here's an ad from Facebook about President Obama's new stimulus package. According to the picture in this ad, your stimulus check is delivered as a roll of cash.

Because it's from a drug dealer.

Free Breakfast from the Regal Seagull.... and Denny's

2009-02-03T08:19:00.004-07:00

The Regal Seagull would like to invite you out to breakfast on us! Don't forget to pick up your FREE Denny's Grand Slam breakfast today! Mmm'mm, Food!

You're welcome, America!

Rubin and Ed

2009-02-02T18:40:00.003-07:00

People don't give Ruben and Ed by Salt Lake City native Trent Harris the credit it deserves. By watching that film, we learn that through the Power of Positive Real Estate not only is anything possible, but most things are likely. Gone are the days of broken housing markets, scary land investments, and dangerous home purchases. Harris' characters teach us at least one thing: The only thing worse than drinking the sweat that you've wrung out of your soaked sock is not throwing all your money into real estate speculation. They also teach us another lesson: Sometimes two people want to kill each other.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2009-01-29T12:17:00.004-07:00

Did you know...?

Circleville, Utah, is actually a polyhedron.

Dead Zephyr: Week 272

2009-01-27T15:00:00.002-07:00

Dead Zephyr: Week 271

2009-01-20T15:00:00.001-07:00

Watch the Presidential Inauguration with The Regal Seagull!

2009-01-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Here's your dilemma:

You're at work.

You enjoy watching inaugurations of people

You especially enjoy watching inaugurations of people who aren't white or Mitt Romney

How are you going to follow the coverage of Barack Obama's inauguration? The Regal Seagull is here to help!

To your right... coverage of the Inauguration on Twitter!

To your below... live video of the Inauguration from Hulu!

Coverage of the presidential inauguration is sponsored by The Regal Seagull and, as you can see from this ad on Hulu, the movie 'Mall Cop.'

That's right. Live video of this historical presidential inauguration is sponsored by 'Mall Cop.'

You're welcome, America!

The Regal Seagull Says Goodbye to Bush, Courtesy of David Letterman

2009-01-19T15:49:00.002-07:00

Thank you President Bush, for eight magical years.

Bob!

2009-01-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Just because we love Gary Coleman...

2009-01-13T17:39:00.002-07:00

Dead Zephyr: Week 270

2009-01-13T15:00:00.001-07:00

Giraffes + KSL = Lots of Journalism Awards!!

2009-01-13T12:48:00.006-07:00

After years of pussyfooting around, KSL finally straps down and asks the question that's been on everyone's mind:

Will Michael Jackson's giraffes be evicted from their home near Lake Powell?

Don't bother calling the Pulitzer Prize board, KSL. We'll call them for you.