Friday, March 6, 2009

Vote for The Regal Seagull, and Save Us From Ourselves

Dearest Reader,

If you'll allow me, I'd like to drop the 'character' we usually employ when writing our blog posts and editorial letters. I am writing as Ryan Shattuck, editor and founder of The Regal Seagull - from my heart to your heart. Imagine, if you will, that our hearts are sitting down at a cafe and enjoying tea on a nice sunny afternoon. The same way two best friends might. Except they're hearts.

As you know, The Regal Seagull has not been updated in a number of weeks. There is but just one simple reason for this: we are burned out. We've run out of motivation. We don't get paid to run The Regal Seagull, nor do we even receive acclaim or any kind of praise. We write and update The Regal Seagull because we're in love with humor and we're (mostly) in love with Utah. This isn't us being cheesy. This is us being honest and sincere.

We've given you, the reader, a lot over the past year. Next month will be The Regal Seagull's 1-year anniversary, and in that time we've written nearly 500 stories, making fun of Utah and national news. In comparison, there are only 431 episodes of The Simpsons. That's right. There are more Regal Seagull stories than there are The Simpsons episodes. But in further comparison, The Simpsons is a lot funnier than The Regal Seagull.

Although we've grown and matured in our first year, it's also taken its toll on us. Most of The Regal Seagull's staff have at least one full time job, some of us are still in school, and nearly all of us write for other publications. I myself work two jobs and am also working on a book right now; thus it's been difficult to find the time or motivation to invest in The Regal Seagull as before.

Regardless of our priorities and responsibilities, we sincerely want The Regal Seagull to continue for a very long time. We need your help.

We are asking the fans of The Regal Seagull to save The Regal Seagull.

We've never asked anything from our fans before. We give and give until it hurts, and all we've ever wanted is a little love. You've certainly followed through. However, in this dire time we are forced to ask for a little more. Don't worry: we are not and will never ask for money.

Instead, we are asking you for your vote.

The Salt Lake City Weekly is currently running its "Best of Utah" awards. While we probably don't qualify for any of the regular categories, we are however asking you to vote for us in the write-in "Your Choice" category. We ask that you vote for us as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull.

You vote as follows:

1.) Visit by March 9th, 2009.

2.) Click where it says "Best of Utah 2009 Ballot." Be sure to stay clear of that lesbian on the right.

3.) You will have to register. Thank you for registering.

4.) One you register, you will be allowed to vote. Make sure you vote in at least 10 categories or your ballot will be invalid.

5.) At the very bottom, you will see a category which reads: "Best: Your Choice (anything we left off that you love)" You love The Regal Seagull. So write in as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull

6.) That's it. Click submit.

We know this is a lot to ask of you. But if you love The Regal Seagull - and you do - the best way to show your thanks is by voting for us. By voting for The Regal Seagull, you are telling us that you appreciate the hard work we do, and wish it would exist until long after we're dead. At which point, we'll probably stop updating the website.

Nobody likes a website written by zombies.

Thank you, fans of The Regal Seagull. You've made us who we are today.

Ryan Shattuck
The Regal Seagull

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

How in the world did they come up with the word....


The origins of 'Vagina' come from the Greeks, with 'Vag' meaning flower, and 'Ina' meaning the fragrance of fish.

God that was lame. We really did a vagina fish joke? Are you kidding me?

Well, have you seen this blog lately. I mean, come on. Bacon? Valentines cards.

I am going to go jab a fork into my eye over this post. Sorry everyone.

Friday, February 20, 2009

What if....

What if John Madden and Andy Rooney had a love child?

Would anyone understand a goddamn thing that kid ever said?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Vegans and Vegetarians

Don’t you miss it?

I know you miss it.

How could you not miss bacon?

You know, God loves bacon.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Regal Seagull Gives You An Eighth Free Valentine's Day Card

Here's a little known fact for this Valentine's Day: over 95% of marriages end in divorce.

At least according to our divorce lawyer.

Cheer up! Here's another free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull.

How About a Seventh Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

Do you know what's better than 6 free Valentine's Day cards? How about 7 free Valentine's Day cards.

Do you know what's better than 7 free Valentine's Day cards? A toilet made of solid gold.

Unfortunately we're all out of solid gold toilets (blame Ed McMahon), so you'll have to enjoy your 7th free Valentine's Day card.

From The Regal Seagull. Stop being ungrateful.

A Sixth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

Did you get that gift basket we sent you of Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Serlift, Prozac, Fontex and Jack Daniels?

It's our Valentine's Day gift, from us to you.

While you wait for your gift to arrive, please enjoy this free Valentine's Day card from The Regal Seagull.

Your Fifth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

Cheer up, your Valentine's Day isn't that bad. It could be much worse. At least you didn't drink a bottle of rat poison in a desperate attempt to end your life.

What's that, you did? Oh. Well you're screwed.

In the last remaining hours of your life, why not check out your free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull?

Would You Like a Fourth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull?

There are just two things that bring us immense pleasure in this life.

  1. Giving away free Valentine's Day cards to our readers.

  2. We can't discuss the other one, as this is a family website. But we're talking a lot of pleasure. Like, roll-your-eyes-in-the-back-of-your-head pleasure.

Here's your fourth Valentine's Card, courtesy of The Regal Seagull and nobody else.

Have a Third Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

How sad - The Regal Seagull's website is still down today. Oh, and you just found out you have terminal cancer.

But let's focus on what's important - The Regal Seagull's website is still down.

Don't worry, we still love you. Even if we're the only ones. Which we are.

Here's your third card. You're welcome.