Monday, November 24, 2008

What is worse than a blog that is never updated

Chicken McNuggets
Automakers who wipe their asses with $100 bills, and beg for money from the government
Bad Hygiene
Ex-wives
Crime in impoverished area's of town
The television show "Heroes" (do they ever actually do anything heroic?)
Trolls
Hannity
California conservatives
The French
Wal-Mart shareholders
The Atomic Energy Commission

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Amalga, Utah is.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Contrary to popular belief, the town of Joseph, Utah was not named for LDS church founder Joseph Smith. It was, in fact, named for a little-known but well-respect bull riding champion named Joseph Smith.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Fingerless Gloves and the Asshats who wear them


God those things look stupid. You know, those black leather or neoprene fingerless gloves that some asshats wear. Seriously, the look is played dude. You don't look cool. You don't look tough. You, my friend, are a huge tool.

I did see one exception. A dude in a wheelchair. I am sure those things are useful then.

I know, someone is going to say, "What about weightlifters?" If I saw a weightlifter that actually wore those gloves, than more power to him. But the guys I see wearing them are skinny white guys with bad teeth and a bad helmet (hair) trying to look like a tough punk.

Asshats!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

You really don't think computer guys eat lunch?

Are you kidding me. Seriously? The five of us in the IT department weigh a combined 1780 lbs. We eat lunch every day. Sometimes twice a day.

So the next time you have an urgent computer problem, yet can't give up your computer for 10 minutes during the day except for lunch, remember that we eat lunch, while watching streaming television and we don't want to work on your issue during that time.

The Angry Computer Guy

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know....?

8 out of 10 residents of Koosharem, Utah have killed either a racoon or a stray cat with a shovel.

C'mon, Utah, time to put down the vodka.

Wow, Utah, you've been hitting the bottle pretty hard since the other night, haven't you?

Us, too.

Probably for different reasons.

But don't worry! We'll get through this together. After all, Utah, hasn't the Regal Seagull always been there for you? Through the bad times and the good. We held you when you cried, you held back our hair while we puked, and then we held you again while you cried because we puked on your favorite shoes.

So come on, Utah. Together we can find a way to make it through this tragedy. Somehow we will find the strength to carry on, to keep our heads held high and our upper lips stiff, and accept the results of Tuesday night's electoral injustice with stoic grace.

Even though all seems lost now, and the task at hand appears impossible, we'll just have to try to survive in a world where SUPERDELL is not our governor.

The best of luck to us all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Gary Coleman Facts


Gary Coleman can cause serious damage to your lower legs.

When Gary Coleman talks, only children listen.

If your name is Willis, Gary Coleman does not want to know "what you talkin' bout".

Gary Coleman secretly worked as a security guard to overcome his fear of being broke.

Do not take a picture of Gary Coleman. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman does not vote unless you have a step stool.

No, Gary Coleman will not pop out of a cake at your bachelorette party. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman will run you over with a truck, as long as he has a stack of telephone books to sit on.

Gary Coleman will not run for president in 2012. Ok, but it's five bucks.

In a fight between Gary Coleman and Chuck Norris, Chuck would deliver a roundhouse kick that would shoot Gary all the way back to California. Thanks Chuck!

Because We Don't Want Obama and McCain to Get Gay Married

We here at the Regal Seagull pride ourselves on bringing you the best news coverage in Utah. We're also pretty proud about being able to fit into our skinny jeans again. But most of our pride is about the quality of our news, and about reporting the issues that matter most to Utahns.

Which is why we were so flippin' proud to display this ad about a propisition that nobody in Utah gets to vote about on our homepage today:


You're welcome, Utah.

Top Stories for November 4th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget to vote today! Because if you don't, you're no better than the terrorists.

Well, the non-voting terrorists to be specific.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Monday, November 3, 2008

God has a message for you


Good news everybody. At my company Halloween party, God showed up in his white flowing robe and beard with a message.

No to proposition 8.

Just in case you wondered what he really thought about it.

Top Stories for November 3rd

Good morning Utah! Are you getting a late start on your Monday morning as well?

Well if it makes you feel any better, The Regal Seagull is late on both its Monday morning and in getting its period.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Go To Hell Trunk or Treat!


As an avid home haunter, you know, those guys that decorate their lawns with lots of Halloween props in hopes to lure in young trick or treaters and then mercilessly scaring them beyond belief so that they have nightmares for the rest of their childhood, I absolutely love Halloween. But this year, my chances for scaring the hell out of the little punks of my neighborhood were squashed because of the scourge known as "Trunk or Treat".

People park their cars in rows at the local church house parking lot, open their trunks, and pass out candy there. I know, it is a safe environment, with no chances of predators swiping one of those precious angels, and it greatly reduces the chance of them getting hit by a car. But seriously, I had a total of five kids! I wait all year to scare those miscreants. It is like a drug for me, my fix. But no. Trunk or Treat has swooped in and taken my scary thunder.

I am writing my local congressman and getting a law passed or something.