Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Watch New Year's Eve With The Regal Seagull

Are you spending this New Year's Eve at home? Alone? You're so overwhelmed with what a shitty year this was, that the mere idea of celebrating the worst year in humanity drives you into a deep, dark pit of depression?

We really wish you would stop being melodramatic. Nobody finds it attractive.

Fear not, for The Regal Seagull is here to save or not save the day! Simply pull up a chair next to the computer (this is assuming that you've been standing this entire time), and watch New Year's Eve in Times Square, courtesy of The Regal Seagull, Hulu.com, and Eli Lilly Pharmaceuticals: The makers of Prozac.

Remember: nobody else may love you on this lonely New Year's Eve, but at least The Regal Seagull... well... comes to think of it, we don't either.

Happy New Year's Eve.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dead Zephyr: Week 268

The 20 Most Popular News Stories and Opinion Columns of 2008

Good morning Utah! Aren't you tired of seeing lists? It seems as though everyone has 'best of' lists at this time of year and to be honest, we're just sick of it. The following is why we're tired of seeing lists:

1.) They're usually trivial, and contain no real information.
2.) They almost always state something quite obvious.
3.) They usually are provided in an order with which no one will agree.

We could go on all day about why we hate lists. But we'll have to finish our list later.

Speaking of lists, The Regal Seagull is excited to share the 20 most popular news stories and opinion columns of 2008:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Pres. Cecil Samuelson

"And that, brothers and sisters, is how you make a grilled tuna sandwich."

-BYU president, Cecil Samuelson

Friday, December 26, 2008

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Duchesne,Utah has the highest Christmas-to-Hanukkah ratio in the state.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas from The Regal Seagull

Merry Christmas, from our family to yours.

May all of your Christmas dreams come true on shooting stars.

Love, The Regal Seagull

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

Look, just because today is Christmas Eve doesn't mean that it isn't Wednesday. In fact, the Christmas season is all the more reason for Wednesdays to be remembered. Did not the Baby Jesus say, while in the manger, "Thou shall remember Wednesday, the Lord thy God?"

Regardless of what the Baby Jesus said, every Wednesday with The Regal Seagull is Mystery Utah Picture Day!

For those of you who have already played Mystery Utah Picture Day, you already remember the rules. Unless of course, you were hit by a car and are suffering from amnesia. In which case, you have much bigger problems than just remembering the rules to our stupid mystery picture game.

Regardless of whether you remember or not, here are the rules. And seriously, have that whole amnesia thing looked at.

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) I mean, you don't have to. We understand that you're busy wrapping presents and eating Christmas ham. Unless you're Jewish. In which case, you're not eating ham. But also not celebrating Christmas. So in other words, look at the following picture... but only if you're Jewish.

3.) This picture was taken somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken? It's ok, you can tell us.

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
If you cheat, you'll be disqualified.
You must send in your answer by 12:00 am, MST.
As always, use a number 2 pencil.
Don't ask Jesus for the answer. That's considered cheating.

*Actually, there's no mystery prize this week. We accidentally gave it away in our white elephant gift exchange.

Top Stories for December 24th

Good morning Utah! TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS!! WE'RE TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP!! SANTA'S COMING TONIGHT!! WE'LL SOON ALL HAVE PRESENTS!!

On an unrelated note, how about that Jesus?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dead Zephyr: Week 267

Classified: Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing!

Also, we've included a check for a few million in the envelope.

Love,
EnergySolutions




Dear Santa,

I'm lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I'm falling into obscurity. If you could send a headline my way this Christmas, give me one more assistant to fire or, at the very least, acknowledge my existence. It will help me through my transition.

Love,
Rocky Anderson




Dear Santa,

I feel smaller all the time. I get the feeling the world is laughing at me. All I want for Christmas is peace on Earth (re: Iraq), some Viagra for that special boost, and a muzzle for Henry Paulson.

Love,
The Economy




Dear Santa,

All I really need for Christmas is a bath.

Love,
The Great Saltair




Dear Santa,

I don't want anything this year. I don't deserve it anyway. I'm just going to take a few Prozac with my Jack Daniels and crawl into bed around 3p.m.

You can skip my house this year, Santa.

Love,
The most Depressed State in the Nation




Dear Santa,

I would hope that we be blessed with success in finding our eternal companion, another wacky group date idea and an understanding of the word "satire."

Love,
BYU Students

Top Stories for December 23rd

Good morning Utah! Are you so excited for Christmas that the anticipation is seeping out of your pores?

Yeah, you may want to use an exfoliator for that.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Monday, December 22, 2008

Larry H. Miller Presents: The 2008 Holiday MegaGift™ Guide

Not sure what to buy this Christmas for the person who has everything? You know, the guy who owns, oh, let's say, a sports franchise, a chain of megaplex theaters, a television station, a sports park, 19 car dealerships and a Mayan-themed restaurant? Why give your loved one a boring gift, when you can give him or her an exciting MegaGift™?

Salt Lake City ($13.7 Billion)
Pesky Democrats and the catty City Weekly will be a thing of the past, for your gift recipient! Did your loved one wish a red-blooded Republican was mayor of Salt Lake City? Make it happen!


The Word "What" ($6.2 Billion)
Anytime someone says the word "what," your gift recipient will receive a handsome royalty! What a great idea! These past two sentences alone cost me $2 million dollars!


Sex ($201.4 Billion)
Not applicable in Utah County.







A Lifetime Supply of Gift Cards to Chili's ($450)
Great gift for your loved one! All the Awesome Blossom they could ever want - or not want - to eat.




Hildale ($15)
Sure, your gift recipient won't ever actually want to visit Hildale -- but imagine how impressive "owns small town" looks on a résumé.

Top Stories for December 22nd

Good morning Utah! T-minus three days until Christmas. Have you ever wondered what exactly the "t" in "t-minus" means? Yeah, we haven't either.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Robert Redford

"It's called a kabob, you dipshit. A kabob."

-Sundance founder, Robert Redford

Top Stories for December 20th

Good morning Utah! It's almost Christmas! Are you ready? Did you already buy gifts for your brother? Your wife? Your uncle? Your mother? Your sister? Your cousin? Your father-in-law? Your aunt? Your grandparents?

Your pharmacist?

Speaking of anti-depressants, here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Friday, December 19, 2008

Mitt Romney Has His Own Series and You Don't

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Top Stories for December 19th

Good morning Utah! Did you have that dream again last night where you were one of the guys who works on the streets of the Las Vegas Strip, passing out tiny porn flyers?

Yeah, so do you think those guys get good health benefits?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He Puts the 'Chris' in 'Christmas'

We here at The Regal Seagull are currently preparing our holiday cards
to go out. Salt Lake Tribune? Check. Superdrell? Check. That homeless
guy who always asks us for change at the library? No check. Gary
Coleman?Check.

OH MY GOD, WE FORGOT CHRIS BUTTARS!!

Fear not, for you too can send him a non-christmas holiday card. Be
sure to address Chris Buttars' "Happy Holidays" card to:

Chris & Helen Buttars
9241 Lisa Ave.
West Jordan, UT 84088

Be sure to Tell him The Regal Seagull sent you. Or the Baby Jesus, that works too.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

Did you know...?

Ironically, no women actually live in Beaver, Utah.

Top Stories for December 18th

Good morning Utah! Are you enjoying your bowl of oatmeal? Let's hope so - in this economy, you probably can't afford to eat anything else.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

It's Wednesday again! Yeah, we know what you're thinking: "wasn't it just barely Wednesday, like, a week ago?" To answer your question, no it wasn't.

As you may or may not already know, Wednesday is Mystery Utah Picture Day. The instructions are simple:

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) Or don't. We really could care less.

3.) The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken?

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
No cheating.
Use a number 2 pencil.

*We checked with our lawyers - unwanted children can still be given away as prizes.

Top Stories for December 17th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget: there are only 9 shopping days left to buy Christmas gifts for your children!

Or 12 shopping days left, if you don't have full custody and only see your children every other weekend.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Quote Out of Context: Chris Buttars

"Actually, this is my first time."

-State Senator Chris Buttars

Top Stories for December 16th

Good morning Utah! Be careful while you're driving to work with all that snow out there. If you don't, your car may slide off the road into a ditch, and then you're dead.

But on the bright side, at least you won't have to go into work!

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

Thursday, December 11, 2008