Classified: Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing!

Also, we've included a check for a few million in the envelope.

Love,
EnergySolutions

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Dear Santa,

I'm lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I'm falling into obscurity. If you could send a headline my way this Christmas, give me one more assistant to fire or, at the very least, acknowledge my existence. It will help me through my transition.

Love,
Rocky Anderson

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Dear Santa,

I feel smaller all the time. I get the feeling the world is laughing at me. All I want for Christmas is peace on Earth (re: Iraq), some Viagra for that special boost, and a muzzle for Henry Paulson.

Love,
The Economy

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Dear Santa,

All I really need for Christmas is a bath.

Love,
The Great Saltair

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Dear Santa,

I don't want anything this year. I don't deserve it anyway. I'm just going to take a few Prozac with my Jack Daniels and crawl into bed around 3p.m.

You can skip my house this year, Santa.

Love,
The most Depressed State in the Nation

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Dear Santa,

I would hope that we be blessed with success in finding our eternal companion, another wacky group date idea and an understanding of the word "satire."

Love,
BYU Students