Top Stories for December 24th

Good morning Utah! TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS!! WE'RE TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP!! SANTA'S COMING TONIGHT!! WE'LL SOON ALL HAVE PRESENTS!!

On an unrelated note, how about that Jesus?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Santa Claus linked to 'Ponzi' scandal affecting Wall Street


• Chris Buttars accidentally has a Happy Holidays


• "My Christmas will be better than yours" --By Mitt Romney

Top Stories for December 23rd

Good morning Utah! Are you so excited for Christmas that the anticipation is seeping out of your pores?

Yeah, you may want to use an exfoliator for that.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• GM writes letter to Santa, requests $17 billion bailout


• You Decide: “Christmas” - Review of last night’s debate


• All I want for Christmas is some frickin’ nitro glycerin

Top Stories for December 22nd

Good morning Utah! T-minus three days until Christmas. Have you ever wondered what exactly the "t" in "t-minus" means? Yeah, we haven't either.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Santa planning to skip Utah this year


• Mock turtleneck vows to become regular turtleneck


• Editor’s Note: The Regal Seagull wishes you a happy holidays, sort of

Top Stories for December 20th

Good morning Utah! It's almost Christmas! Are you ready? Did you already buy gifts for your brother? Your wife? Your uncle? Your mother? Your sister? Your cousin? Your father-in-law? Your aunt? Your grandparents?

Your pharmacist?

Speaking of anti-depressants, here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• White powder found in Santa letter, North Pole locked down


• Salt Lake man wakes from 7-year coma, super excited for 2002 Olympics


• All I want for Ch istmas is a new eyboa d

Top Stories for December 19th

Good morning Utah! Did you have that dream again last night where you were one of the guys who works on the streets of the Las Vegas Strip, passing out tiny porn flyers?

Yeah, so do you think those guys get good health benefits?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Wal-Mart opens stores 24 hours for people embarrassed to shop at Wal-Mart


• Ask Sensitive Ned: The Cursed Non-Greeks


• Researchers: Average pregnancy in Utah County lasts 30 days

Top Stories for December 18th

Good morning Utah! Are you enjoying your bowl of oatmeal? Let's hope so - in this economy, you probably can't afford to eat anything else.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Some news happened today. And it was really big, important news, too.


• The Angry Computer Guy: Yeah, we haven't heard that one before


• Hannity and Colmes blame gay marriage for their break up

Top Stories for December 17th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget: there are only 9 shopping days left to buy Christmas gifts for your children!

Or 12 shopping days left, if you don't have full custody and only see your children every other weekend.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Mormon Tabernacle Choir breaks up, cites creative differences


• 'The Wonder Years' actor Fred Savage committed after hearing voices


• I wish they'd bring back 'Angry Beavers' --God

Top Stories for December 16th

Good morning Utah! Be careful while you're driving to work with all that snow out there. If you don't, your car may slide off the road into a ditch, and then you're dead.

But on the bright side, at least you won't have to go into work!

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Gandolf the White to sell his share of sandwich chain Gandolfo’s


• Editor’s Note: The Regal Seagull returns with or without a vengeance


• “Superdell” still demanding recount in Utah governor’s race

Top Stories for November 4th

Good morning Utah! Don't forget to vote today! Because if you don't, you're no better than the terrorists.

Well, the non-voting terrorists to be specific.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Shocking twist ending to ‘Election 2008’ leaked online


• Man donates his unused vote to local children’s hospital


• Damn, why the liquor stores closed yo

Top Stories for November 3rd

Good morning Utah! Are you getting a late start on your Monday morning as well?

Well if it makes you feel any better, The Regal Seagull is late on both its Monday morning and in getting its period.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• 6-Yr. old upset she only wore her Halloween costume 10 times this year


• 82% voters believe Biden less likely to experience menstruation than Palin


• Editor’s Note: Take a break from election news

Top Stories for October 30th

Good morning Utah! You slept in pretty late this morning and are now late for work, isn't that right? Just do what we do: call your work and tell them you have morning sickness. No one ever gets mad at a pregnant woman.

The downside though is that you now have to wear a pillow under your shirt for the next 9 months.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Big Buddha of Fox 13 News to wear “anorexic” costume yet again


• Ask Sensitive Ned: The Paranoid Schizobamack

Top Stories for October 29th

Good morning Utah! We hope you don't mind that we brought in the newspaper.

Oh, didn't we tell you? The Regal Seagull spent the night on your couch.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• ‘Super Dell’ concerned by how few people acknowledge his existence


• Dukakis, Dole, Gore and Kerry invite McCain to weekly luncheon


• The Regal Seagull’s guide to Halloween candy

Top Stories for October 28th

Good morning Utah! Did you remember this morning to take the dog outside to use the bathroom? No?

That's ok. We like coming home to a puddle of pee on the kitchen floor as well.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Wilford Brimley beats up diabetic for asking too many questions about free shipping


• Technology saves life of McCain


• Movie Review by George W. Bush: “W”

Top Stories for October 27th

Good morning Utah! Did you wake up this morning next to someone you didn't even know? You're kind of a slut, aren't you Utah?

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Virgin Atlantic Airways becomes pregnant via “immaculate conception”


• An inside look at the Presidential candidates’ Halloween costume choices


• Editor’s Note: The Regal Seagull endorses SUPERDELL for governor

Top Stories for October 25th

Good morning Utah! Did you catch that weird episode of Twin Peaks that was on TV last night, sometime around 3:00 am?

If so, you may want to look into taking care of your insomnia.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Atheist couple lies about meeting on ChristianSingles.com


• Island of Women elects first male president


• "Seriously, guys, I made you opaque for a reason" By God

Top Stories for October 24th

Good morning Utah! Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? We know what you mean, as we woke up on the wrong side of the bed too.

Although to be honest, people who sleep on a bed of nails always wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Disneyland closes Fantasyland, blames slow economy


• Palin to star in Coen Brothers’ film, “Fargo 2”


• Please stop shitting in me

Top Stories for October 23rd

Good morning Utah! Start up your laptop, visit your #1 source for Utah news - The Regal Seagull, and brew yourself a cup of coffee. Don't have too much coffee though, because we once knew a guy who got so fired up from too much caffeine that he drove through a brick wall.

What's even scarier, is that he was on a bicycle.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Utah passes “Safe Haven” law for spinsters and old maids


• Football is next on Obama’s list


• Ask Sensitive Ned: The Bathing Bandita

Top Stories for October 22nd

Good morning Utah! Did you have that dream again about going to school in only your underwear?

We have bad news for you - it wasn't a dream. Seriously, have you seen the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune yet?

In the meanwhile, here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Rocky Mtn. Power vows to screw customers with or without state approval


• McCain to fire CEOs, politicians, everybody else


• "Why I find ‘Garfield’ so freakin’ funny" --By Stephen Hawking

Top Stories for October 21st

Good morning Utah! Are you enjoying your bowl of oatmeal? Let's hope so - in this economy, you probably can't afford to eat anything else.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Draper family pays off their portion of National Debt


• New voting machines fail, Utah tallies votes with chalkboards


• Hey, guys, remember me? Joe Biden?

Top Stories for October 20th

Good morning Utah! Did you have a nice weekend? Remember: if you're feeling hungover this morning, you have no one to blame but yourself. That, and your low tolerance for alcohol.

Here are today's top stories on The Regal Seagull:

• Clerical error names Bruce Vilance "Sexiest Woman Alive"


• Utah's only Democrat passes away at age of 67


• Editor's Note: The Regal Seagull announces its new blog, begrudgingly