Happy Halloween from The Regal Seagull

Good morning Utah! You may have noticed that our main news site, www.regalseagull.com, has not been updated this morning with news-like news stories. This is intentional.

As you may and/or may not know, today is Halloween. Of what significance is this? Simple. News does not ever happen on Halloween. Ever. This is how we became Utah's #1 News Source^TM - by knowing that news never occurs on Halloween.

BUT DON'T WORRY! Seriously, we're not crapping around - don't worry. You can still visit The Regal Seagull Blog on Halloween! You can still read past archives for The Regal Seagull on Halloween! You can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween! Just kidding, you're 37 years old and that's creepy!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween, Utah! You deserve it. And remember: don't take candy from strangers, unless the candy looks really really delicious.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

The Regal Seagull Weekly Poll: Utah's Race for Governor

Dearest Regal Seagull readers and readerettes,

Have you wondered any of the following?

• Did Jon Huntsman know this is an election year - and does it even matter?


• Which does Bob Springmeyer have more of: pluck or gumption?


• Have you wondered if Dell "Super" Schanze is so crazy that he in fact might just be a genius (minus the genius part)?

We can't help you answer any of these questions. But you can vote in our new poll!

Be sure to vote before our poll closes on November 5th. Remember: every vote counts. Unlike the real election, we don't discriminate against voters who happen to be dead or cartoon characters.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull Offices Will Be Closed Today

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull offices will be closed today, due to the following...


Why are we closing our offices today over something as trivial as a movie?

Well, we noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune had created an entire section for the release of this groundbreaking movie, as well as writing five stories about the movie with the span of...um... one day.

So in order to prove we're more dedicated than the Tribune, we will be closing our offices so that we may watch back-to-back showings of the greatest cinematic experience to ever grace an American theater.

TAKE THAT, SALT LAKE NOT-AS-DEDICATED TRIBUNE!!

Pulitzer Prize, here we come.



-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

This Is How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break

This is a picture we took the other day while leaving The Regal Seagull offices. The offices that totally exist and totally aren't made up.

This picture is of a school bus.

Parked in front of the state wine store.


Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would.

So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living.

Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic.

Thank you, bus driver.

The Regal Seagull Tells Kids that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down

This is an ad we saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. Because that's how fancy we are here at The Regal Seagull... we read the Wall Street Non-Pretentious Journal. The ad in question reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

Now we understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

If this is the ad they accepted, we can only imagine the ads they rejected:

• "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."
  
  
• "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."


• "No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Rickroll'd Is the Lowest Form of Mudslinging

We here at The Regal Seagull love bloody politics as much as the next person. Barack Obama is a terrorist! John McCain is off his meds! Sarah Palin has sex with people dressed like moose! Joe Biden... is... once did something!

Despite our fascination with gutter politics, we must admit that we have to draw a line somewhere. While we believe it's ok to make fun of Palin's down syndrome baby, Obama's blackness, and McCain's everything, we here at The Regal Seagull believe the following video is evidence that the mudslinging has gone too far.

The following video is of an attack on a John McCain rally.



Just when we thought the bar couldn't be lowered any more.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board