The Regal Seagull Blog

Vote for The Regal Seagull, and Save Us From Ourselves

2009-03-06T10:52:00.006-07:00

Dearest Reader,

If you'll allow me, I'd like to drop the 'character' we usually employ when writing our blog posts and editorial letters. I am writing as Ryan Shattuck, editor and founder of The Regal Seagull - from my heart to your heart. Imagine, if you will, that our hearts are sitting down at a cafe and enjoying tea on a nice sunny afternoon. The same way two best friends might. Except they're hearts.

As you know, The Regal Seagull has not been updated in a number of weeks. There is but just one simple reason for this: we are burned out. We've run out of motivation. We don't get paid to run The Regal Seagull, nor do we even receive acclaim or any kind of praise. We write and update The Regal Seagull because we're in love with humor and we're (mostly) in love with Utah. This isn't us being cheesy. This is us being honest and sincere.

We've given you, the reader, a lot over the past year. Next month will be The Regal Seagull's 1-year anniversary, and in that time we've written nearly 500 stories, making fun of Utah and national news. In comparison, there are only 431 episodes of The Simpsons. That's right. There are more Regal Seagull stories than there are The Simpsons episodes. But in further comparison, The Simpsons is a lot funnier than The Regal Seagull.

Although we've grown and matured in our first year, it's also taken its toll on us. Most of The Regal Seagull's staff have at least one full time job, some of us are still in school, and nearly all of us write for other publications. I myself work two jobs and am also working on a book right now; thus it's been difficult to find the time or motivation to invest in The Regal Seagull as before.

Regardless of our priorities and responsibilities, we sincerely want The Regal Seagull to continue for a very long time. We need your help.

We are asking the fans of The Regal Seagull to save The Regal Seagull.

We've never asked anything from our fans before. We give and give until it hurts, and all we've ever wanted is a little love. You've certainly followed through. However, in this dire time we are forced to ask for a little more. Don't worry: we are not and will never ask for money.

Instead, we are asking you for your vote.

The Salt Lake City Weekly is currently running its "Best of Utah" awards. While we probably don't qualify for any of the regular categories, we are however asking you to vote for us in the write-in "Your Choice" category. We ask that you vote for us as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull.

You vote as follows:

1.) Visit www.cityweekly.net/utah by March 9th, 2009.

2.) Click where it says "Best of Utah 2009 Ballot." Be sure to stay clear of that lesbian on the right.

3.) You will have to register. Thank you for registering.

4.) One you register, you will be allowed to vote. Make sure you vote in at least 10 categories or your ballot will be invalid.

5.) At the very bottom, you will see a category which reads: "Best: Your Choice (anything we left off that you love)" You love The Regal Seagull. So write in as follows: Utah's #1 News Source: The Regal Seagull

6.) That's it. Click submit.

We know this is a lot to ask of you. But if you love The Regal Seagull - and you do - the best way to show your thanks is by voting for us. By voting for The Regal Seagull, you are telling us that you appreciate the hard work we do, and wish it would exist until long after we're dead. At which point, we'll probably stop updating the website.

Nobody likes a website written by zombies.

Thank you, fans of The Regal Seagull. You've made us who we are today.

Sincerely,
Ryan Shattuck
The Regal Seagull

How in the world did they come up with the word....

2009-02-24T17:19:00.005-07:00

Vagina

The origins of 'Vagina' come from the Greeks, with 'Vag' meaning flower, and 'Ina' meaning the fragrance of fish.

God that was lame. We really did a vagina fish joke? Are you kidding me?

Well, have you seen this blog lately. I mean, come on. Bacon? Valentines cards.

I am going to go jab a fork into my eye over this post. Sorry everyone.

What if....

2009-02-20T15:59:00.001-07:00

What if John Madden and Andy Rooney had a love child?

Would anyone understand a goddamn thing that kid ever said?

Vegans and Vegetarians

2009-02-18T08:59:00.003-07:00

Don’t you miss it?

I know you miss it.

How could you not miss bacon?

You know, God loves bacon.

The Regal Seagull Gives You An Eighth Free Valentine's Day Card

2009-02-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a little known fact for this Valentine's Day: over 95% of marriages end in divorce.

At least according to our divorce lawyer.

Cheer up! Here's another free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull.

How About a Seventh Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T16:30:00.001-07:00

Do you know what's better than 6 free Valentine's Day cards? How about 7 free Valentine's Day cards.

Do you know what's better than 7 free Valentine's Day cards? A toilet made of solid gold.

Unfortunately we're all out of solid gold toilets (blame Ed McMahon), so you'll have to enjoy your 7th free Valentine's Day card.

From The Regal Seagull. Stop being ungrateful.

A Sixth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Did you get that gift basket we sent you of Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Serlift, Prozac, Fontex and Jack Daniels?

It's our Valentine's Day gift, from us to you.

While you wait for your gift to arrive, please enjoy this free Valentine's Day card from The Regal Seagull.

Your Fifth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

Cheer up, your Valentine's Day isn't that bad. It could be much worse. At least you didn't drink a bottle of rat poison in a desperate attempt to end your life.

What's that, you did? Oh. Well you're screwed.

In the last remaining hours of your life, why not check out your free Valentine's Day card, from The Regal Seagull?

Would You Like a Fourth Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull?

2009-02-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

There are just two things that bring us immense pleasure in this life.

Giving away free Valentine's Day cards to our readers.

We can't discuss the other one, as this is a family website. But we're talking a lot of pleasure. Like, roll-your-eyes-in-the-back-of-your-head pleasure.

Here's your fourth Valentine's Card, courtesy of The Regal Seagull and nobody else.

Have a Third Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

How sad - The Regal Seagull's website is still down today. Oh, and you just found out you have terminal cancer.

But let's focus on what's important - The Regal Seagull's website is still down.

Don't worry, we still love you. Even if we're the only ones. Which we are.

Here's your third card. You're welcome.

The Regal Seagull Gives You Your Second Free Valentine's Day Card

2009-02-14T11:31:00.001-07:00

Having a lousy Valentine's Day? It's probably because, like an idiot, you asked for a divorce on February 13th. Nice one.

Don't worry, The Regal Seagull still loves you. Here is your very own valentine's day card. Be sure to also check out the first card we gave you.

Your First Free Valentine's Day Card, from The Regal Seagull

2009-02-14T10:20:00.002-07:00

What a crappy Valentine's Day, right?

It's snowing.

You just found out you have gonohorrea and/or jaundice (you choose).

And you go to The Regal Seagull's website, only to find out that it's down for the day?

Before you kill yourself, please remember that The Regal Seagull loves you and (mostly) does not condone suicide.

So for the rest of the day, we will be sharing Valentine's Day cards with you - all our loyal readers!

Happy Valentine's Day. We love you. Please don't tell our wife.

Clever Co-Workers

2009-02-09T15:48:00.003-07:00

I like to have a nice cup of Earl Grey tea in the afternoon. The aroma is wonderful, and it really has a nice calming effect.

Of course, the brutes that I share an office with tease me unmercifully, and given me a new nickname. "Earl Gay". Get it. It is a play on Earl Grey, but with the word "Gay" because I like a nice hot cup of tea in the afternoon.

Those clever co-workers of mine have really outdid themselves this time.

This cup of tea is for you fella's.

Sincerely,

Earl Gay

Guess Who's Giving Obama Money for the Stimulus Package?

2009-02-04T15:47:00.004-07:00

Here's an ad from Facebook about President Obama's new stimulus package. According to the picture in this ad, your stimulus check is delivered as a roll of cash.

Because it's from a drug dealer.

Free Breakfast from the Regal Seagull.... and Denny's

2009-02-03T08:19:00.004-07:00

The Regal Seagull would like to invite you out to breakfast on us! Don't forget to pick up your FREE Denny's Grand Slam breakfast today! Mmm'mm, Food!

You're welcome, America!

Rubin and Ed

2009-02-02T18:40:00.003-07:00

People don't give Ruben and Ed by Salt Lake City native Trent Harris the credit it deserves. By watching that film, we learn that through the Power of Positive Real Estate not only is anything possible, but most things are likely. Gone are the days of broken housing markets, scary land investments, and dangerous home purchases. Harris' characters teach us at least one thing: The only thing worse than drinking the sweat that you've wrung out of your soaked sock is not throwing all your money into real estate speculation. They also teach us another lesson: Sometimes two people want to kill each other.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2009-01-29T12:17:00.004-07:00

Did you know...?

Circleville, Utah, is actually a polyhedron.

Dead Zephyr: Week 272

2009-01-27T15:00:00.002-07:00

Dead Zephyr: Week 271

2009-01-20T15:00:00.001-07:00

Watch the Presidential Inauguration with The Regal Seagull!

2009-01-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Here's your dilemma:

You're at work.

You enjoy watching inaugurations of people

You especially enjoy watching inaugurations of people who aren't white or Mitt Romney

How are you going to follow the coverage of Barack Obama's inauguration? The Regal Seagull is here to help!

To your right... coverage of the Inauguration on Twitter!

To your below... live video of the Inauguration from Hulu!

Coverage of the presidential inauguration is sponsored by The Regal Seagull and, as you can see from this ad on Hulu, the movie 'Mall Cop.'

That's right. Live video of this historical presidential inauguration is sponsored by 'Mall Cop.'

You're welcome, America!

The Regal Seagull Says Goodbye to Bush, Courtesy of David Letterman

2009-01-19T15:49:00.002-07:00

Thank you President Bush, for eight magical years.

Bob!

2009-01-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Just because we love Gary Coleman...

2009-01-13T17:39:00.002-07:00

Dead Zephyr: Week 270

2009-01-13T15:00:00.001-07:00

Giraffes + KSL = Lots of Journalism Awards!!

2009-01-13T12:48:00.006-07:00

After years of pussyfooting around, KSL finally straps down and asks the question that's been on everyone's mind:

Will Michael Jackson's giraffes be evicted from their home near Lake Powell?

Don't bother calling the Pulitzer Prize board, KSL. We'll call them for you.

New jellyBelly flavor suggestions

2009-01-12T14:52:00.003-07:00

If they can make a jelly bean that tastes like buttered popcorn, then we think they can make other flavors. Here are the Regal Seagull's top five new flavor suggestions for the Jelly Belly people:

Meat - Thats right, the delicious flavor of meat, like bbq chicken, pulled pork and oh so tender filet mignon. mmmmmmm.

Vegetarian - That's right, we love those tree hugging vegetarians as much as the next guy, so we suggest they make some groovy flavors for those health conscious freaks, like wheat grass, okra and the oh so delectable cabbage.

Red Bull - Pack those jelly beans with so much caffeine, ghuarna and other crap so we can start kids out at a much younger age with their lifelong addiction to energy drinks.

The Suicide - Kids like gross stuff, so how about you mix every flavor of jelly bean you have into one horrible concoction.

Sex - If you can bottle the essence of the male and female naughty parts into a flavor, you can possibly solve any of the world's problems. Seriously.

Dead Zephyr: Week 269

2009-01-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

The Regal Seagull Blog is not in the running for any "Best Blog" contests

2009-01-06T11:35:00.002-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are not in the running for the "Bloggy Awards", the "Blogisphere Top Ten", or any of the other competitions that award good writing and relevant information.

So fuck you.

Watch New Year's Eve With The Regal Seagull

2008-12-31T19:09:00.003-07:00

Are you spending this New Year's Eve at home? Alone? You're so overwhelmed with what a shitty year this was, that the mere idea of celebrating the worst year in humanity drives you into a deep, dark pit of depression?

We really wish you would stop being melodramatic. Nobody finds it attractive.

Fear not, for The Regal Seagull is here to save or not save the day! Simply pull up a chair next to the computer (this is assuming that you've been standing this entire time), and watch New Year's Eve in Times Square, courtesy of The Regal Seagull, Hulu.com, and Eli Lilly Pharmaceuticals: The makers of Prozac.

Remember: nobody else may love you on this lonely New Year's Eve, but at least The Regal Seagull... well... comes to think of it, we don't either.

Happy New Year's Eve.

Dead Zephyr: Week 268

2008-12-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

The 20 Most Popular News Stories and Opinion Columns of 2008

2008-12-30T11:47:00.003-07:00

Good morning Utah! Aren't you tired of seeing lists? It seems as though everyone has 'best of' lists at this time of year and to be honest, we're just sick of it. The following is why we're tired of seeing lists:

1.) They're usually trivial, and contain no real information.
2.) They almost always state something quite obvious.
3.) They usually are provided in an order with which no one will agree.

We could go on all day about why we hate lists. But we'll have to finish our list later.

Speaking of lists, The Regal Seagull is excited to share the 20 most popular news stories and opinion columns of 2008:

The 20 Most Popular News Stories of 2008

The 20 Most Popular Opinion Columns of 2008

Quote Out of Context: Pres. Cecil Samuelson

2008-12-27T12:00:00.001-07:00

"And that, brothers and sisters, is how you make a grilled tuna sandwich."

-BYU president, Cecil Samuelson

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-12-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Did you know...?

Duchesne,Utah has the highest Christmas-to-Hanukkah ratio in the state.

Merry Christmas from The Regal Seagull

2008-12-25T07:00:00.004-07:00

Merry Christmas, from our family to yours.

May all of your Christmas dreams come true on shooting stars.

Love, The Regal Seagull

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

2008-12-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Look, just because today is Christmas Eve doesn't mean that it isn't Wednesday. In fact, the Christmas season is all the more reason for Wednesdays to be remembered. Did not the Baby Jesus say, while in the manger, "Thou shall remember Wednesday, the Lord thy God?"

Regardless of what the Baby Jesus said, every Wednesday with The Regal Seagull is Mystery Utah Picture Day!

For those of you who have already played Mystery Utah Picture Day, you already remember the rules. Unless of course, you were hit by a car and are suffering from amnesia. In which case, you have much bigger problems than just remembering the rules to our stupid mystery picture game.

Regardless of whether you remember or not, here are the rules. And seriously, have that whole amnesia thing looked at.

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) I mean, you don't have to. We understand that you're busy wrapping presents and eating Christmas ham. Unless you're Jewish. In which case, you're not eating ham. But also not celebrating Christmas. So in other words, look at the following picture... but only if you're Jewish.

3.) This picture was taken somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken? It's ok, you can tell us.

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
If you cheat, you'll be disqualified.
You must send in your answer by 12:00 am, MST.
As always, use a number 2 pencil.
Don't ask Jesus for the answer. That's considered cheating.

*Actually, there's no mystery prize this week. We accidentally gave it away in our white elephant gift exchange.

Dead Zephyr: Week 267

2008-12-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

Classified: Letters to Santa

2008-12-23T12:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Santa,

You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing!

Also, we've included a check for a few million in the envelope.

Love,
EnergySolutions

Dear Santa,

I'm lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I'm falling into obscurity. If you could send a headline my way this Christmas, give me one more assistant to fire or, at the very least, acknowledge my existence. It will help me through my transition.

Love,
Rocky Anderson

Dear Santa,

I feel smaller all the time. I get the feeling the world is laughing at me. All I want for Christmas is peace on Earth (re: Iraq), some Viagra for that special boost, and a muzzle for Henry Paulson.

Love,
The Economy

Dear Santa,

All I really need for Christmas is a bath.

Love,
The Great Saltair

Dear Santa,

I don't want anything this year. I don't deserve it anyway. I'm just going to take a few Prozac with my Jack Daniels and crawl into bed around 3p.m.

You can skip my house this year, Santa.

Love,
The most Depressed State in the Nation

Dear Santa,

I would hope that we be blessed with success in finding our eternal companion, another wacky group date idea and an understanding of the word "satire."

Love,
BYU Students

Larry H. Miller Presents: The 2008 Holiday MegaGift™ Guide

2008-12-22T12:00:00.005-07:00

Not sure what to buy this Christmas for the person who has everything? You know, the guy who owns, oh, let's say, a sports franchise, a chain of megaplex theaters, a television station, a sports park, 19 car dealerships and a Mayan-themed restaurant? Why give your loved one a boring gift, when you can give him or her an exciting MegaGift™?

Salt Lake City ($13.7 Billion)
Pesky Democrats and the catty City Weekly will be a thing of the past, for your gift recipient! Did your loved one wish a red-blooded Republican was mayor of Salt Lake City? Make it happen!

The Word "What" ($6.2 Billion)
Anytime someone says the word "what," your gift recipient will receive a handsome royalty! What a great idea! These past two sentences alone cost me $2 million dollars!

Sex ($201.4 Billion)
Not applicable in Utah County.

A Lifetime Supply of Gift Cards to Chili's ($450)
Great gift for your loved one! All the Awesome Blossom they could ever want - or not want - to eat.

Hildale ($15)
Sure, your gift recipient won't ever actually want to visit Hildale -- but imagine how impressive "owns small town" looks on a résumé.

Quote Out of Context: Robert Redford

2008-12-20T12:00:00.001-07:00

"It's called a kabob, you dipshit. A kabob."

-Sundance founder, Robert Redford

Mitt Romney Has His Own Series and You Don't

2008-12-19T13:10:00.005-07:00

We here at The Regal Seagull don't usually like to leak upcoming guest columnists. Nevertheless, we're so excited that MITT ROMNEY will be writing a column next week that we just had to leak it. All over the place. I mean, we didn't even lift the seat or anything. We leaked everywhere. We're going to let the janitor take care of it. C'mon, that's what he's paid for.

Naturally, we did some research on Mr. Mitt Romney, and turned to the one of the most trusted news sources on the internet (after YouTube.com and FreePorn.com). We're talking of course, of Wikipedia.

While we hold Mr. Mitt Romney in an esteem so high that we probably need a permit, even we were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney's Wikipedia page isn't just an article, but is an entire series.

That's right. Mitt Romney is so much of a man (look how wide his arms are spread apart, if you catch our drift) that he can't be contained in just one article. Don't be stupid. He needs an entire series. And what have you done with your life? Merry Christmas, you do-nothing bastards.

He Puts the 'Chris' in 'Christmas'

2008-12-18T15:26:00.001-07:00

We here at The Regal Seagull are currently preparing our holiday cards
to go out. Salt Lake Tribune? Check. Superdrell? Check. That homeless
guy who always asks us for change at the library? No check. Gary
Coleman?Check.

OH MY GOD, WE FORGOT CHRIS BUTTARS!!

Fear not, for you too can send him a non-christmas holiday card. Be
sure to address Chris Buttars' "Happy Holidays" card to:

Chris & Helen Buttars
9241 Lisa Ave.
West Jordan, UT 84088

Be sure to Tell him The Regal Seagull sent you. Or the Baby Jesus, that works too.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-12-18T12:00:00.002-07:00

Did you know...?

Ironically, no women actually live in Beaver, Utah.

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

2008-12-17T12:00:00.001-07:00

It's Wednesday again! Yeah, we know what you're thinking: "wasn't it just barely Wednesday, like, a week ago?" To answer your question, no it wasn't.

As you may or may not already know, Wednesday is Mystery Utah Picture Day. The instructions are simple:

1.) Look at the following picture.

2.) Or don't. We really could care less.

3.) The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where this picture was taken?

4.) Email The Regal Seagull at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer. If you guess correctly, you’ll win a mystery prize!*

RULES:
No cheating.
Use a number 2 pencil.

*We checked with our lawyers - unwanted children can still be given away as prizes.

Quote Out of Context: Chris Buttars

2008-12-16T15:00:00.003-07:00

"Actually, this is my first time."

-State Senator Chris Buttars

Happy Holidays from the Regal Seagull

2008-12-11T11:50:00.002-07:00

What is worse than a blog that is never updated

2008-11-24T14:15:00.004-07:00

Chicken McNuggets
Automakers who wipe their asses with $100 bills, and beg for money from the government
Bad Hygiene
Ex-wives
Crime in impoverished area's of town
The television show "Heroes" (do they ever actually do anything heroic?)
Trolls
Hannity
California conservatives
The French
Wal-Mart shareholders
The Atomic Energy Commission

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-11-20T10:00:00.002-07:00

Did you know...?

Amalga, Utah is.

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-11-13T10:00:00.003-07:00

Did you know...?

Contrary to popular belief, the town of Joseph, Utah was not named for LDS church founder Joseph Smith. It was, in fact, named for a little-known but well-respect bull riding champion named Joseph Smith.

Fingerless Gloves and the Asshats who wear them

2008-11-10T11:49:00.003-07:00

God those things look stupid. You know, those black leather or neoprene fingerless gloves that some asshats wear. Seriously, the look is played dude. You don't look cool. You don't look tough. You, my friend, are a huge tool.

I did see one exception. A dude in a wheelchair. I am sure those things are useful then.

I know, someone is going to say, "What about weightlifters?" If I saw a weightlifter that actually wore those gloves, than more power to him. But the guys I see wearing them are skinny white guys with bad teeth and a bad helmet (hair) trying to look like a tough punk.

Asshats!

You really don't think computer guys eat lunch?

2008-11-06T13:30:00.002-07:00

Are you kidding me. Seriously? The five of us in the IT department weigh a combined 1780 lbs. We eat lunch every day. Sometimes twice a day.

So the next time you have an urgent computer problem, yet can't give up your computer for 10 minutes during the day except for lunch, remember that we eat lunch, while watching streaming television and we don't want to work on your issue during that time.

The Angry Computer Guy

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-11-06T13:00:00.002-07:00

Did you know....?

8 out of 10 residents of Koosharem, Utah have killed either a racoon or a stray cat with a shovel.

C'mon, Utah, time to put down the vodka.

2008-11-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, Utah, you've been hitting the bottle pretty hard since the other night, haven't you?

Us, too.

Probably for different reasons.

But don't worry! We'll get through this together. After all, Utah, hasn't the Regal Seagull always been there for you? Through the bad times and the good. We held you when you cried, you held back our hair while we puked, and then we held you again while you cried because we puked on your favorite shoes.

So come on, Utah. Together we can find a way to make it through this tragedy. Somehow we will find the strength to carry on, to keep our heads held high and our upper lips stiff, and accept the results of Tuesday night's electoral injustice with stoic grace.

Even though all seems lost now, and the task at hand appears impossible, we'll just have to try to survive in a world where SUPERDELL is not our governor.

The best of luck to us all.

Gary Coleman Facts

2008-11-04T14:56:00.005-07:00

Gary Coleman can cause serious damage to your lower legs.

When Gary Coleman talks, only children listen.

If your name is Willis, Gary Coleman does not want to know "what you talkin' bout".

Gary Coleman secretly worked as a security guard to overcome his fear of being broke.

Do not take a picture of Gary Coleman. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman does not vote unless you have a step stool.

No, Gary Coleman will not pop out of a cake at your bachelorette party. Ok, but it's five bucks.

Gary Coleman will run you over with a truck, as long as he has a stack of telephone books to sit on.

Gary Coleman will not run for president in 2012. Ok, but it's five bucks.

In a fight between Gary Coleman and Chuck Norris, Chuck would deliver a roundhouse kick that would shoot Gary all the way back to California. Thanks Chuck!

Because We Don't Want Obama and McCain to Get Gay Married

2008-11-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

We here at the Regal Seagull pride ourselves on bringing you the best news coverage in Utah. We're also pretty proud about being able to fit into our skinny jeans again. But most of our pride is about the quality of our news, and about reporting the issues that matter most to Utahns.

Which is why we were so flippin' proud to display this ad about a propisition that nobody in Utah gets to vote about on our homepage today:

You're welcome, Utah.

God has a message for you

2008-11-03T16:21:00.002-07:00

Good news everybody. At my company Halloween party, God showed up in his white flowing robe and beard with a message.

No to proposition 8.

Just in case you wondered what he really thought about it.

Go To Hell Trunk or Treat!

2008-11-03T08:23:00.003-07:00

As an avid home haunter, you know, those guys that decorate their lawns with lots of Halloween props in hopes to lure in young trick or treaters and then mercilessly scaring them beyond belief so that they have nightmares for the rest of their childhood, I absolutely love Halloween. But this year, my chances for scaring the hell out of the little punks of my neighborhood were squashed because of the scourge known as "Trunk or Treat".

People park their cars in rows at the local church house parking lot, open their trunks, and pass out candy there. I know, it is a safe environment, with no chances of predators swiping one of those precious angels, and it greatly reduces the chance of them getting hit by a car. But seriously, I had a total of five kids! I wait all year to scare those miscreants. It is like a drug for me, my fix. But no. Trunk or Treat has swooped in and taken my scary thunder.

I am writing my local congressman and getting a law passed or something.

Quote Out of Context: Freddy Krueger

2008-10-31T15:00:00.001-06:00

"No thank you, I already have a subscription to the New York Times."

-Freddy Krueger, serial killer

Happy Halloween from The Regal Seagull

2008-10-31T09:47:00.007-06:00

Good morning Utah! You may have noticed that our main news site, www.regalseagull.com, has not been updated this morning with news-like news stories. This is intentional.

As you may and/or may not know, today is Halloween. Of what significance is this? Simple. News does not ever happen on Halloween. Ever. This is how we became Utah's #1 News Source^TM - by knowing that news never occurs on Halloween.

BUT DON'T WORRY! Seriously, we're not crapping around - don't worry. You can still visit The Regal Seagull Blog on Halloween! You can still read past archives for The Regal Seagull on Halloween! You can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween! Just kidding, you're 37 years old and that's creepy!

We hope you have a Happy Halloween, Utah! You deserve it. And remember: don't take candy from strangers, unless the candy looks really really delicious.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: Thomas S. Monson

2008-10-30T15:00:00.000-06:00

"You've been pwned!"

-President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Thomas S. Monson

Small Town Utah Fun Fact Thursday!

2008-10-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

Did you know....?

In Howell, Utah stop signs have 9 sides. This is believed to be the inspiration for a local catch phrase where residents refer to good news as "ninethastic."

Quote Out of Context: Paul Rolly

2008-10-29T15:00:00.001-06:00

"Seriously, who let the dog in the house?"

-Salt Lake Tribune columnist Paul Rolly

The 3rd Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mormon Tabernacle Choir

2008-10-29T13:00:00.000-06:00

Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm! We're almost to Halloween! And like an idiot, you're standing there not having a costume. Don't worry, for The Regal Seagull has cheerfully and obligingly provided you with the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Today's costume is sure to be popular with anyone who enjoys dressing up as a bunch of people. Oh, and anyone who likes singing while being dressed up as a bunch of people.

THE 3RD MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That's right. The entire Mormon Tabernacle Freakin' Choir.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever fancy tuxedo/dress hybrids are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
If singing songs that cause others to take a nap is considered awesome, then yes. This costume is awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, strangely enough. But you'll have to provide your own Viagra.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can brag that you're an Grammy award winning choir! You know, the Grammy you won in 1960.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You're dressing up as a 360-person choir, so naturally people will assume you're very fat.

Stuff You Guys Better Stop Saying

2008-10-29T10:43:00.006-06:00

"It's Beer-O-Clock" - Try saying that at some biker bar and see what those dudes do to you. (HINT Your medical insurance does not cover foreign objects in your ass)

"My Bad" - Ever hear the most annoying sound in the world? It will be your whining after I slap you. Nuff said.

"Nuff Said" - Did I just say that? Holy christ what was I thinking? I was thinking that I am starring in my own Kid N' Play movie.

"Chillax" - I don't let my teenage daughter say it because she sounds like a moron every time that phrase is uttered. You are 40! Stop it!

"Anal" - As in describing a person as having an anal personality. Yuck

"Fo Sho" - You are a white, overweight, middle-aged executive. You have never seen the hood, and the only black person you know is the intern from Kenya in your office.

Damn It's Hot In My Office

2008-10-29T10:18:00.008-06:00

I am not talking about hot, like describing good looking people, or a cool vibe or anything like that. I mean the heat is up too high. We get one cold snap, and the damned owners of this shitty building kill the air conditioning and crank up the heat.

This building is like 200 years old. That air conditioning only works good in the winter, so leave it on you knuckleheads.

Did I mention it is freaking hot in here.

Fin

Mystery Utah Picture Day!

2008-10-29T10:00:00.002-06:00

It’s Wednesday again, which means it’s time for another MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY! We know what you’re thinking… we didn’t think we would live to experience another Wednesday either.

For those who missed our first MYSTERY UTAH PICTURE DAY:

1.) What the hell is wrong with you, moron?

2.) Here’s a friendly reminder of how this works!

Look at the following picture. The picture was taken of a landmark somewhere in the state of Utah. Do you know where it is?

Be the first person to email us at email@regalseagull.com with the correct answer, and you’ll win a life supply of phone books! Hey, those things don’t come cheap.

HINT: "All good things come to those who wait. What bullshit, right?"

Have fun! Guess the Mystery Utah Picture! Floss twice a day!

Quote Out of Context: An Anonymous Proposition 8 Supporter

2008-10-28T16:00:00.000-06:00

"Could I get a turkey and avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread, hold the mayo?"

-An anonymous Proposition 8 supporter

The 4th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Mommy Blogger

2008-10-28T14:00:00.002-06:00

T-minus 3 days! Halloween is this Friday! If you weren't worried yesterday about not having a costume, you should absolutely be worried today! Fortunately, you have The Regal Seagull. During the past few days we've provided you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Today's costume is sure to be a hit with the ladies. And no, we don't mean "hit with the ladies" in a spouse abuse sort of way.

THE 4TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Mommy Blogger

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
Wherever unattractive, frumpy clothes are sold.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
To the 12 readers who read your blog? Yes.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, by your husband. Resulting in even more babies.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You get to remain blissfully oblivious of the fact that nobody wants to see 4,000 pictures of your baby.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You'll have to start your own boring blog - it doesn't come with the costume.

Internet "Trolls" Want Freedom of Speech Banned

2008-10-28T13:54:00.006-06:00

In a stunning move today, an organization of Internet Trolls staged a protest in the parking lot of a downtown McDonalds. They are protesting the 1st amendment of the constitution, pushing for legislation to ban freedom of speech.

An Internet Troll is someone who peruses online bulletin boards, newsgroups, blogs, etc. and writes prose that incites others, and causes people to retaliate in speech. A "Troll" is most happy when they have garnered a multitude of responses to their outlandish claims.

The major demographic for an Internet Troll is typically a 25-35 year old overweight male who lives with his parents, typically in their basement. The trolls are usually virgins, and spend an equal amount of time on the internet downloading pornographic material as they spend writing their rants and insults.

Soon after the protest, many members of the Unified Trolls of America converged inside the McDonalds for their third lunch of the day.

The Regal Seagull Weekly Poll: Utah's Race for Governor

2008-10-28T12:08:00.005-06:00

Dearest Regal Seagull readers and readerettes,

Have you wondered any of the following?

Did Jon Huntsman know this is an election year - and does it even matter?

Which does Bob Springmeyer have more of: pluck or gumption?

Have you wondered if Dell "Super" Schanze is so crazy that he in fact might just be a genius (minus the genius part)?

We can't help you answer any of these questions. But you can vote in our new poll!

Be sure to vote before our poll closes on November 5th. Remember: every vote counts. Unlike the real election, we don't discriminate against voters who happen to be dead or cartoon characters.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Quote Out of Context: Todd Palin

2008-10-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

"You're totally right. If you wear it just like that, it hides your c-section scar."

-Todd Palin

The 5th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: The Holy Ghost

2008-10-27T14:00:00.003-06:00

Halloween is at the end of this week! Only a few days left before it's crunch time. AND YOU DON'T HAVE A HALLOWEEN COSTUME YET!! Do not fear, as the rest of this week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM.

THE 5TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
The Holy Ghost

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At church. Or the stillness of the night, in prayer. Wal-Mart also has a few Holy Ghost costumes left in their bargain bin.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
It depends. Are you part of the holy trinity, or aren't you?

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Absolutely not. Don't be inappropriate.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You can float through walls.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
You have to go to bed at midnight. Everyone knows the Holy Ghost goes to bed by midnight.

The Regal Seagull appreciates a nice set of knockers....

2008-10-27T10:11:00.002-06:00

The 6th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: SUPERDELL

2008-10-26T15:00:00.005-06:00

Do you have your Halloween costume yet? Of course you don't. You've busy with other things, like drinking milk straight out of the carton. We here at The Regal Seagull wish you would stop that. Not everybody wants your lips on the milk carton.

As for the costume, we are here to help! For the rest of the week we are counting down the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM. Yesterday we provided you with the 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs. And here is today's costume idea:

THE 6TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Libertarian candidate for governor, SUPERDELL

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At any gun shop, hang gliding shop, or the state mental health department.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Totally. Totally awesome.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is attracted to media-hating, bat-shit crazy, former computer company owners who happen to be running for governor. Just stick to women with the intelligence of a golf club and you'll be fine.

BEST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
All the guns you can carry. Plus, you get to spell your name in all CAPS.

WORST PART OF THIS COSTUME:
People at your Halloween party would rather talk to a eucalyptus tree than someone dressed up as SUPERDELL.

Overpopulation? What Overpopulation?

2008-10-26T09:00:00.001-06:00

Now we're not necessarily pointing our finger at Utah (the fact that we're pointing our finger in the direction of the Intermountain West is purely coincidental), but when silhouettes of individual family members fill up the entire length of your car, you should take that as a sign that you should stop having children.

Quote Out of Context: Henry Kissinger

2008-10-25T15:00:00.001-06:00

"Oh c'mon, I cannot possibly be the only one here who likes Banarama."

-Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger

The 7th Most Popular Utah Halloween Costume: Warren Jeffs

2008-10-25T12:00:00.004-06:00

With only a few days remaining until Halloween, many are scrambling around looking for a last-minute Halloween costume. And the questions, oh the questions!

"Will this kitty costume show my cleavage?"

"I'm going as the ghost of Tim Russert - too soon?"

"Where can I find a wig for my pregnant Bristol Palin costume?"

"Does dressing in drag mean I'm gay?" (usually)

Fear not, for this is why you read The Regal Seagull: Utah's #1 News Source! For the next 7 days, we will provide you with a list of the 7 Most Popular Utah Halloween Costumes^TM, as well as information on where to buy the costume, how popular it is, and the odds of getting laid while wearing the costume.

THE 7TH MOST POPULAR UTAH HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
Warren Jeffs, the former FLDS prophet

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS COSTUME:
At a nearby Deseret Industries, Salvation Army, or local polygamist shoppe.

IS THIS COSTUME AWESOME:
Kind of.

WILL THIS COSTUME HELP YOU IN GETTING LAID:
Yes, provided the woman is very, very homely. And doesn't mind sharing, if you catch our drift.

This license plate totally blew my mind

2008-10-24T16:04:00.001-06:00

But not because of the religious aspect. I was merely surprised that the verse was from the Bible, when everyone in Utah knows the real bible is the B.O.M. I would of expected Nephi 12:4.

Quote Out of Context: Michael Jackson

2008-10-24T15:00:00.001-06:00

"Do these pants make my ass look black?"

-Michael Jackson

Don't Ride TRAX If It's On Fire

2008-10-24T12:00:00.000-06:00

A Regal Seagull staff member was riding TRAX the other day, and got off at the 1300 South station. He noticed a mural painted to the immediate right of the station, and couldn't help but notice that part of the mural depicted a TRAX train.

Flying off the tracks.

Flying off the tracks and on fire.

Let's be honest with ourselves. There are some warnings that don't necessarily need to be followed.

"The Surgeon General says not smoke, puff puff puff."
"Medical advice warns against drinking while pregnant, glug glug glug."
"Don't drive while talking on a cell phone? Doesn't apply to me!"
"Of course we can operate heavy machinery after taking this sleep medication!"
"Oops, dropped my wedding ring down the garbage disposal - here, let me get that."

Don't do this, don't do that. Warning warning warning.

But the day we see a mural depicting a train on fire while simultaneously flying off the track, to the immediate right of the very train we just descended?

That is a warning we will heed.

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull Offices Will Be Closed Today

2008-10-24T07:00:00.002-06:00

ATTENTION: The Regal Seagull offices will be closed today, due to the following...

Why are we closing our offices today over something as trivial as a movie?

Well, we noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune had created an entire section for the release of this groundbreaking movie, as well as writing five stories about the movie with the span of...um... one day.

So in order to prove we're more dedicated than the Tribune, we will be closing our offices so that we may watch back-to-back showings of the greatest cinematic experience to ever grace an American theater.

TAKE THAT, SALT LAKE NOT-AS-DEDICATED TRIBUNE!!

Pulitzer Prize, here we come.

-The Regal Seagull Editorial Board

Now THAT'S Breaking News

2008-10-23T15:00:00.002-06:00

So this one guy says to us "Hey The Regal Seagull, you always talk about how you provide us with breaking news, but where's your proof? Let's see a picture of your breaking news!"

No, seriously, that's what he said. This guy was so sarcastic that he actually talked in italics.

Fine. He wants a picture of our breaking news? Here's a picture of our breaking news!

Now shut up already.

Quote Out of Context: Ben Bernanke

2008-10-23T13:00:00.002-06:00

"Now that's what I call fancy footwork!"

-Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke

Stephen Hawking, E.T., and a Homeless Person Had a Baby

2008-10-23T11:00:00.001-06:00

Since time began, has humankind asked the following question: "What Do You Get If You Cross the Left Hand of Stephen Hawking, the Right Hand of E.T., and the Face of a Homeless Person?"

A statue of Leonardo da Vinci, in front of the Sandy City Library, provides us with the answer.

The Regal Seagull Blog

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What if....

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Bob!

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